The Pro & The Joe

Four months ago, I agreed to a threesome, and my boyfriend hired a female escort to meet us at a hotel. I've regretted it ever since. My paranoia's out of control; he seemed to enjoy sex so much more with her that I keep thinking he's seeing her. I'm afraid it has ruined our three-year relationship. What's wrong with me?

candidaroyalle — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 18:18:00 GMT

The Pro

There’s nothing wrong with you; in fact, your situation is quite common. You and your boyfriend crossed a dangerous line that needed to be thought through more carefully. For a variety of reasons, many couples fantasize about bringing a third party into their sexual relationship. But fantasizing and doing it are two very different things. In fantasy, where you pretend and act out something that turns you both on, such as having a ménage à trois, you’re in control of the situation and not really threatening the trust and bond you have created, though even “pretending” can have its dangers. You may feel jealous or insecure just at the thought that your partner might actually want or even prefer someone else. This is a very tender issue!

When someone asks me whether they should move from fantasy to reality by inviting another person in to their sex-play, I caution them to think this through very carefully. It takes a very rare person to handle sharing their lover with another person. Two people that can handle that situation is even more unusual. Whether it’s social-conditioning, insecurity, or a primal urge to protect what is “ours,” most human beings are possessive and protective of the person they love. Jealousy and insecurity are bound to arise when we feel that love is threatened.

It sounds like you had your sense of security and trust broken by this experience. Have you discussed your feelings with your boyfriend? Have you asked him point-blank whether he’s seeing this woman now? Are you sure he actually enjoyed having sex with her more? Or could it be that your insecurity was triggered by seeing him with someone else? It’s important that you talk to him honestly and frankly about how you feel. He may be able to reassure you, leading the way toward repairing the breach in trust and security you’re feeling. Or you may discover that bringing in a third party was only the beginning of the end of what you thought was a secure relationship.

It sounds like you need to reevaluate whether you’re someone who should be having threesomes... or whether your boyfriend is someone you should be doing it with. Maybe you’re not suited for that sort of sex-play. Most of us aren’t. Either way, it’s better to bring this up now and find out whether he’s indeed seeing this woman on the side, or if not, whether he’s interested in doing this again. Either way, you need and deserve to know.

The Joe

You did ruin your three-year relationship. You’re not being paranoid.

The only thing wrong with you is that you didn’t wait until you got married before you agreed to participate in stabbing your relationship in the heart. At least then, you’d be getting a monthly alimony check to compensate for the time you’ve wasted with Captain Romance. All you’re left with now is a ribbon-wrapped memory box filled with pictures you’ll eventually burn in some Wiccan cleansing ritual after one too many Midori sours at TGI Friday’s.

I know I’ve said something similar to this before, but what on Earth would lead you to believe this would be a good idea?

“Hey, sweetie. I’ve got an idea that I think could make our relationship even stronger?”

“A trip to Costa Rica?”

“Well, that, and maybe we could get a hotel room and I could screw a hooker in front of you. How does that sound, snookems?”

“I wouldn’t even know how to find one of those.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got one on speed dial. How does this Friday sound?”

“My parents are in town this weekend. What about Sunday night after they leave?”

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why you went through with it. From the tone of your question, it doesn’t seem like you were into the idea at all. You agreed to a threesome, you didn’t initiate it. You women need to stop putting the happiness of your partners above your own.

Despite what you’ve probably heard, time does not heal all wounds. Some are irreparable, and the best we can do is learn how to live with knowledge that we never should have acquired. It’s just like when I heard my hearing-impaired mother using her vibrator: There are some mental images that cannot be erased no matter how much we’d like them be. And my God, do I wish I could burn that one out of my psyche forever. I wish I could say that you’ll eventually be able to live with knowing what you now do, but it’s obvious you won’t be able to. Even Pretty Woman is going to remind you of what happened.

Somewhere along the line, you must have had second thoughts. If you want your next relationship to last, start listening to them.

My new girlfriend wants to mix food and sex. Aside from that scene in 9 1/2 Weeks, I have no experience with it. Plus, I heard you have to be careful with what comes in contact with your nether-regions. Is it safe?

candidaroyalle — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 16:29:00 GMT

The Pro

What a lucky man you are! You’ve found a woman who likes to experiment and be playful in bed. Creativity is the lifeline in a long-term relationship, the antidote to boredom. Be grateful she brings with her a sense of play. And with something as innocent as food, the worst that can happen is that you soil the sheets! Even added calories aren’t a concern since you’ll probably burn more calories having sex than you’d consume in a lick-fest of chocolate and whipped cream!

You do, however, bring up a good point: Are there any foods that are unsafe to get near your nether-regions? The main thing I would caution you about is that sugar can cause women to develop yeast infections. If fact, many women avoid lubricants that contain glycerin for that reason. So if you play with sweet stuff like chocolate or whipped cream, you may want to spread it on your bodies and keep it away from her vaginal area. And if you spread it on your cock for her to lovingly lick off, you may want to keep a wet washcloth nearby so you can clean off any remaining sugary stuff before slipping it inside her.

A quick web search also produced these tips: Be careful to wash any foods intended for sex play, along with smoothing any loose, rough, or sharp areas. Proceed with caution when using products that contain cinnamon, menthol, cloves, or mint. The concentration of these herbs and spices varies and sometimes causes stronger-than-intended sensations. Oily stuff is also questionable, as it breaks down latex condoms, traps bacteria and irritants close to the skin, and washes off with difficulty. Just as with other sugary treats, avoid getting Champagne inside or on the tender parts of the genitals. Erotic shops and websites often stock sugar- and glycerin-free edibles that can safely be used in food-sex play, but if you’re concerned with ingesting natural foods that don’t contain additives with strange, unknown names, be careful to check the ingredients.

Other than that, I would say that anything edible should be fine to smear on each other… well, except for something as obvious as hot stuff. Hot sauce is NOT recommended! To be safe, I would suggest incorporating natural and delicious foods like fresh, juicy fruits in season that you can feed each other and lick off one another’s skin. Let your girlfriend show off her skills as she deep-throats a peeled banana. Cut up a ripe peach and lovingly rub it along her tummy, lapping up the juices that are left behind. Peel her a grape, and feed it to her with your mouth. Mmmmm… I’m getting hungry!

As far as not having any experience with this sort of thing, here’s your chance to pull out the kid in you and just have fun. Be creative, be playful, be sensual, and just do what comes naturally. And if you need some ideas, take a look my movie The Bridal Shower. The very first scene features exactly this—a couple having a picnic, only instead of using plates, they use each other! Eat up!

The Joe

I call shenanigans on this. There is no possible way you have a penis.

For starters, guys don’t ask stupid questions like yours. We ask dumb questions, sure, but ours generally involve how best to fry a turkey. Nor do we refer to our reproductive organs as “nether-regions.” There are hundreds of moronic terms we use when referring to our penises, but this ain’t one of ’em. And we don’t watch arthouse movies about gallery assistants having affairs with Mickey Rourke, regardless of whether or not we get to see Kim Basinger’s boobies in their prime.

So... you’re either a lipstick lesbian (the Lillith Fair variety doesn’t want to take the chance getting non-organic chocolate sauce on their flannel sheets), or you’re asking on your boyfriend’s behalf (any self-respecting man would douse that shit in hot sauce and see what happens).

Since I’m working under the assumption that you can have babies, I’m going to tailor my answer to take that into account. I hope you’ll be able to handle this staggeringly keen insight. You ready?

Google it.

Do you know how many results I got when I searched for “food play sex safe”? Over three million. Go ahead and try it for yourself. See how easy that is? You’ve just taken your first step toward not being an annoying girl.

I apologize if my advice isn’t what you were looking for, but questions like this aggravate me to no end. There are some things you can easily figure out with a few keywords and some persistence. You’re just being lazy.* Al Gore invented the Internet for a reason. Try using it for something other than reading Perez Hilton and stalking your old high school boyfriend.

Anyway, mixing food and sex is stupid. As a “guy,” you’re the one who ends up sleeping in the wet spot. Scrubbing peanut butter out of my pubic hair is the last thing I want to deal with when I wake up. If you really want to bring food into the mix, here’s a tip from Color of Night: As soon as you’re finished having sex, make your boyfriend a steak.

*Mom, if you’re reading this, same goes for you. I’ve showed you how to put music on your iPod a dozen times. If you can figure out how to use Match.com, you can figure out how to drag-and-drop.

My new boyfriend wants me to be completely honest and give up all the details of my sexual past. This isn't an issue of safety—we’ve both been tested. I don't believe in keeping secrets, but the past is the past. Do I have to tell him EVERYTHING?

escomadmin — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 22:57:00 GMT

The Pro

My first response is... eek! But I’m supposed to be the “pro” here, so let’s move on.

I’m wondering why this is so important to him. Is this some sort of “ideal” he has, that you must know everything there is to know about each other? Could it be that it turns him on to hear the details of your past sex life? (There are men who like that sort of thing. They get to imagine their woman in a sexual situation with another man without the risks and agony of actually having to witness it. It’s all in the past, so it’s not so loaded with jealousy.)

But even if that were the case, it seems to make you uncomfortable, and you shouldn’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. Besides, it’s my opinion that this is a dangerous road to take. I don’t see what good can come of it. It’s the classic scenario where the guy gets you to tell him how many lovers you’ve had before him. After he’s convinced you that the number really won’t matter to him, and you foolishly tell him, he’s outraged, feeling emasculated, and calling you a slut! Or he’s acting dejected and needing reassurance that he truly is the best, the most fabulous, the most virile—oh, and let’s not forget... the BIGGEST!—lover you’ve ever had.

I remember a boyfriend of mine who made the silly mistake of asking me while in the throes of a romantic tête-à-tête on the beach whether it was the first time I’d done something like that. I hesitated when I probably should have just told a little white lie on the spot for the sake of his ego, and he was crestfallen... not to mention embarrassed for even asking. Talk about killing the moment!

The past is the past, and you don’t have to tell him everything.

It’s unhealthy and unreasonable to expect a new lover to reveal everything about their past, and it will set a bad precedent if you give in to his demand. What’s next? Will he be asking you to confess to him every time you so much as glance at another man as you go about your day? Will he want to know when and how often you like to pleasure yourself when he’s not around? Beware of those who need to know everything about anything that really doesn’t concern them. It speaks of a controlling and potentially obsessive personality, and relationships with people who have such tendencies ultimately become difficult and sometimes even dangerous. You are wise to question his demand for complete disclosure about your sexual history. It’s none of his business, and if he can’t live with that, you may find that you won’t be able to live with him.

The Joe

Shortly after deciding they had a better chance of survival if they moved in together, a caveman turned to his cavewoman and grunted something along the lines of, “So how many other men’s backs have you eaten fleas off? You mated with our cousin Urg, didn’t you? Didn’t you?!”

Evolution may have led to opposable thumbs and, in turn, MarioKart for the Nintendo Wii, but we’re still waiting for the mutation that prevents guys from thinking it’ll somehow be beneficial to know their partner’s sexual history. You’d think that after a few thousand years of the conversation ending badly, we would know better than to initiate it. But it still happens. If there was ever a convincing argument against Darwin’s theory, I’d say this would be it.

All tenuously appropriate (at best) evolutionary metaphors aside, what I’m trying to say is that your boyfriend’s an idiot and you should know better. How does he not think this will lead to an argument? And telling him “EVERYTHING?” Seriously? Despite what parents tell their children, honesty is not always the best policy.

“I won’t get mad, honey. I just wanna know. I thought we could share everything.”

“I had sex with Carrot Top.”

“Uh... yeah. I don’t think I can be with someone that slept with a prop comic.”*

It goes without saying that maintaining some semblance of a healthy relationship requires a great deal of work. Open communication, the ability to compromise, keeping your naughty bits out of other people, blah blah blah... all that’s a given. What’s a little less clear to many women is this: Occasionally, lying is perfectly acceptable. In fact, it’s necessary if you’re in it for the long haul. Men have known and understood this for years. I wish I could say things like, “Your mom’s an awful human being,” or “Your friends Mary and Hayden are hyper bitches,” or “Yeah, you could stand to lose a few,” but I like the thought of having sex before I need Viagra to do so.

So the next time your boyfriend asks, you’re left with a decision to make. You can omit a few of the more carnal details, or you can tell your boyfriend the truth that he mistakenly thinks he wants to hear. One will lead to continued relationship bliss. The other will not.

Whatever you choose, just know this: You are dating a douchebag. As long as you’re both tested and clean, this isn’t any of his business.

*True story. A friend of mind got dumped after coming clean about getting dirty with the Ginger-haired performer.