You guys like Spotify? It’s a totally awesome music streaming service that lets you stream music! Cool, right?
Spotify surveyed 2,000 people to find the top 20 songs that are “Better than sex”. We love music, especially, Ska, but nothing should ever be considered better than sex. That’s blasphemy.
Let’s take a look at Spotify’s 20 Songs Better Than Sex and ridicule it for claiming to be better than sex.
1. Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen
Yes. It’s a good song it’s been ruined by idiots thinking they know every word therefore this song is not better than sex. Although, watching someone humiliate themselves trying to sing this song can be better than sex.
2. Sex On Fire by Kings of Leon
World’s most boring, therefore worst, band singing about fucking/raping someone to death. Sex on fire should sound more like a Neptunes beat than these crooning losers. Not better than sex (on fire or otherwise).
3. Angels by Robbie Williams
Woah, woah, woah. Robbie Williams has another song besides “Millennium“? I don’t think so! He’s a one hit-wonder. Forget about him! Throw him in the trash!
4. Bat out of Hell by Meatloaf
Meatloaf! My most hated of all loafs. Why is this on the list?
5. Living On a Prayer by Bon Jovi
This the only song in the list so far that makes any sense. Jon Bon Jovi is the sexiest man alive and I bet he makes loves the same way he makes music: not hard, not soft, just right. Listening to Bon Jovi is more satisfying than sex itself. Spotify 1 – Sex.com 4
6. My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion
People who think this song is better than sex have never had sex because they are obviously complete freaks kissing and cuddling their 1999 Leonardo DiCarpio teen heart-throb calendars.
7. Set Fire to the Rain by Adele
Listening to this song for the first time makes me wonder why Adele is popular. It’s terrible, definitely not better than sex.
8. Agadoo by Black Lace
This song is mostly jibberish but it’s island rhythms are infectious. This one gets a pass. It is better than sex.
9. Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd
I guess this song is good if you’re 15 and just started smoking weed. If you are 15 and blazing trees, chances are you’ve never had sex so this song is immediately disqualified from being considered better than sex.
10. Don’t Stop Me Now by Queen
Good song. Better than sex? Sometimes, maybe.
11. I Want to Break Free by Queen
Without the visual component of Freddie Mercury in drag, this song is not better than sex. Still a good song but for it to be better than sex you need Freddie in a dress.
12. Insomnia by Faithless
Just hearing the name Faithless makes you feel like you’ve just done a handful of ecstasy. This song is better than sex only if you have rave memories of the 90s, which no one does. NOT BETTER THAN SEX.
13. Just The Way You Are by Bruno Mars
Is this song supposedly better than because of how “romantic” it is? Too sappy to be better than sex. The depravity of sex alone is better than this song.
14. Mr. Brightside by The Killers
Oh my god, what year did Spotify survey people in? Based on the sheer irrelevance of The Killers, this song is not better than sex.
15. Paradise City by Guns N Roses
Guns N Roses is a great band but “Paradise City” is not a good song by any standards. It was written in the back of a rental van while the band was wasted after a show. Now if you want to talk about a Guns N Roses song that is better than sex, November Rain.
16. Viva La Vida by Coldplay
The rumor is that Coldplay plagiarized the melody of this song. Can’t endorse plagiarism. That’s the worst! Also, Coldplay sucks.
17. Who Wants to Live Forever by Queen
Queen again! For abusing the right to include Queen songs in one playlist, this song is not better than sex.
18. Your Song by Elton John
I’m starting to think that the people Spotify surveyed were unclear about what they were answering. They were not trying to choose a song they felt was romantic or nice to have sex to but a song that was better than having sex.
19. Never Too Much by Luther Vandross
Luther Vandross always gets a thumbs up. Listening to Luther Vandross is better than sex.
20. Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen
C’mon, he’s the Boss. Just like Luther Vandross, Bruce Springsteen gets a pass.
Out of Spotify’s twenty songs better than sex, only five were approved by The Sex.com Blog.
Some may say that Spotify’s research methods were flawed but we can’t take that chance, guys. After carefully dissecting each song on the playlist and being generally disappointed by it (no Prince, no Outkast, no Supertramp, no Mariah Carey, no Tonsstartsbandht, what gives?) I believe that this illustrates a huge problem.
Two huge problems, actually.
1) People have terrible taste in music.
2) People aren’t having good sex.
Just look at all the terrible music they think is better than having sex.
If you like more than 5 of the songs on the playlist more than sex please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to receive a taste-rehabilitation care-package. Care-packages includes music mix tapes and porn mix tapes. You’ll listen to “cool” music and try “different” sex stuff. Only $1000 each.