Government is dumb, wastes millions on penis pumps

Pumpo Government is dumb, wastes millions on penis pumps

American senators all swear by this penis pump (probably)

We all know penis pumps are hilarious.

You’ve seen the movie Austin Powers, right?  See, even the world’s most mysterious and sexually desirable secret agent sometimes needs to enlist the help of a pump to get his ‘mojo’ ‘popping off’ or whatever.  Here’s the problem though, ever since I saw Austin Powers and declared it my favourite/the most cinematically important film of all time, I’ve always wanted to buy a penis pump as some kind of hilarious gag gift.

Apparently, however, the American government finds Austin Powers REALLY hilarious, and I mean like, waste hundreds of millions of dollars on penis pumps hilarious.  According to Reuters, penis pumps cost the American government $172 million between 2006-2011 – yeah, so about all that unemployment and failing healthcare…

So yeah, that’s a lot of money.  Apparently, American Medicare, the government health insurance for seniors, has paid close to 500,000 claims for vacuum erection systems.  So that’s 500,000 old men with raging boners that you now have to think about.  Enjoy!

But at least some old geezers are having fun in your local retirement home.  Keep on rockin’ grand-dad!

The fact is though, VCDs (vacuum constriction devices), are one of the most reliable ways to combat issues with erectile disfunction.  They can be really helpful for people with erectile dysfunction if used in moderation, but, give me a break papi, dip into your retirement nest egg for your sex aids, stop pegging the cost on the American taxpayer!

I was going to claim that I wanted to channel my inner Mike Myers and try the ‘ol Swedish Penis Pump, but then I tried to find a more scientific/medical description of what I might expect if I tried one.

lCs8oQp Government is dumb, wastes millions on penis pumps

Groovy, baby!

Here’s what our possibly fake internet doctors from a fairly reputable online self-scare/diagnosis site have to say about them:

An erection obtained by the vacuum constriction device is not the same as an erection achieved naturally. The penis tends to be purplish in color and can be cold or numb. Other side effects can include:

  • A black and blue mark or small area of bruising on the shaft of the penis. This is usually painless and generally will resolve in a few days.
  • Decrease in the force of ejaculation. The constriction band traps the ejaculate or semen at the time of orgasm. This is not dangerous and usually does not cause pain. The semen will usually dribble out once the constriction band is removed. Generally, this does not interfere with the pleasure of a climax or orgasm

Wow, OK, that sounds  fucking terrible.  I’m sure your significant over loves the idea of a purple robot dick entering inside of them.  But don’t worry, it sounds like there’s only a slight amount of discomfort and pain associated!  For a scientific example of the potential harm a penis pump may cause, please see this SECOND hilarious scene from Oscar Best Picture snub Austin Powers.

What do you think?  Have you ever tried to use a penis pump?  If not, would you try one?

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Published on: January 21, 2014

Filled Under: Sex News

Views: 478

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  • sadsack

    I’ve used a penis pump before.

    Shit was OK! Didn’t notice any lasting side effects and my dick did get really hard.

    I think it just depends which model you get?

  • http://www.sex.com/news/about/ Chico Dusty

    Based on what Gil has written here, I’m never going to try a penis pump. WAY TO SCARY.