Et Tu, Pippi? Enough with the Pseudo-Celebrity Sex Tapes Already
Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the web’s original erotic site for women by women. With over 16 years’ experience of writing about and for the adult entertainment industry under her belt, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
We couldn’t be happier to have Calico Rudasil come by the Sex.com Blog and vent her frustration over pseudo-celebrity sex tapes.
OK, it is now official: celebrity sex tapes have vaulted the selachimorpha.
With the word that Tami Erin is poised to release a sex tape of her own into the wild – strictly as a last ditch effort to prevent an evil ex from wringing profit from said tape, of course – the bar for such tapes receiving media attention has plummeted so low, a Jake Busey solo masturbation video might warrant a dedicated segment on The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer.
Who is Tami Erin, you are almost assuredly asking right about now? Well, around 25 years ago, she played the title character in The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking, which was either an edge-of-your-seat political thriller that explored the most harrowing days of the Cold War, or an entirely forgettable family film about some annoying ginger kid, her horse, and a pet monkey named Mr. Falciparum Malaria.
Anyway, regardless of who Tami Erin might have been 25 years ago when she took on the role of an allegedly-beloved character from a popular children’s book, it’s fair to say that the role did not represent the beginning of a promising career as an actress. Since playing Pippi, Tami has been in a total of four other projects according to IMDB, the most recent of which was the Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! Chrimbus Special (sic), in which Tami played something called a “Pasta Bear Wife.”
Truth be told, I haven’t the foggiest idea what a “Pasta Bear Wife” is, but part of me thinks it could make a very interesting addition to Tami’s soon-to-be-released sex tape. (Hey, it couldn’t be any worse than Dustin Diamond’s Dirty Sanchez move, right?)
To be clear, I have no problem with Tami Erin putting out a sex tape, in itself. Amateur porn is all fine and dandy, and I’m of the mind that anybody who wants to publish some, particularly when they themselves are among the featured performers, should be free to do so. My beef is with sex tapes released by so-called “celebrities” who nobody has thought about, heard from, or seen in 25 years being treated like actual news by the celeb-obsessed media outlets of the world.
At this rate, future generations of Kardashians won’t even have to appear on one of their own family’s thirty-seven reality TV shows before securing enough celebrity street cred to get a million dollar offer out of Vivid Entertainment’s Steve Hirsch. In the celebrity-by-proxy world we increasingly find ourselves, you won’t even have to be a Quadromom in order to fetch Octomom-like rubbernecking to your efforts to pad out your 15-minute fame allotment.
On the bright side, all this sex tape bar-lowering has to be exciting for shameless fame-seekers everywhere. Soon, there will be no need to achieve, produce, win or experience anything before pursuing sexual controversy-driven headlines and the celebrity status that comes with them. Just fire up your smartphone, record video of yourself fucking anyone (or anything), write yourself a press release and wham-bam-thank-you-TMZ, you’ve got yourself instant fame – or instant notoriety, at least, which appears to be indistinguishable from fame, these days.
Maybe what the world needs now is a sex tape reality competition show – we could call it America Lacks Judgment, or Top Skank, or maybe Fucking with the Stars. At least then, we could pack all the sex tape ‘news’ anybody could ever ask for into a single weekly hour of primetime network programming, and leave the headlines to truly important matters – like anything and everything that George Zimmerman has been up to over the last 24 hours.
Thank you Calico Rudasil and everyone at Sssh.com!
If you missed Calico’s previous guest blogs, check them out right now: