A woman in Florida was arrested after she phoned 911 to complain that a police officer who had been at her home earlier refused to use his long, hard arm of the law on her (long, hard arm of the law is a euphemism for sex).
58-year-old Maria Montenez-Colon of Punta Gorda, Florida first called 911 to say that she wanted her Corvette back. Unfortunately, Mrs. Montenez-Colon had signed ownership of the Corvette over to her step-son after her husband passed away. An officer came to her home to explain that wanting your Corvette despite having signed the ownership over is not a reason to call 911, but the subject quickly changed to sex.
The incident report states that a very intoxicated Mrs. Montenez-Colon told the officer he was sexy, asked him if he was married and told him she hasn’t had sex in years. Police say Mrs. Montenez-Colon also repeatedly tried to grab the officer’s arm and rub her hands on his chest. Should have committed to it harder and reached for the officer’s love gun (which is a euphemism for his penis).
The officer left after leaving her a card with the police department’s number for future non-emergency calls.
Here’s a question, why couldn’t they have just given her the number when she called 911? Why did an officer have to go to her house?
Anyways, less than an hour later, she called 911 again to complain about the officer that refused to have sex with her. She said that calling 911 a second time was the only way she’d get the officer to come back and have sex with her.
Unfortunately, the officer did not have sex with Mrs. Montenez-Colon and she was arrested for misuse of 911.
So let this be a lesson to us all: 911 IS NOT A NUMBER YOU CAN DIAL FOR BOOTY CALLS.
Also, we learn that it is important to befriend elderly widows in your neighborhood because they’re probably the only ones as desperate for sex as you are.