German men excel at building cars, drinking beer, invading Poland and stuffing sausages down their throats. Is there anything they can’t do?
Well yes. They can’t do the most important thing in the world. Apparently German men are terrible lovers, which is strange because you’d think that their sausage-stuffing prowess would translate into some kind of sexual ability.
According to a new poll that surveyed over 15,000 women in 20 different countries, German men have been voted the WORLD’S WORST LOVERS. The reason for being the world’s worst lovers? “Too smelly”.
The Germans narrowly beat English men who were considered the world’s second worst lovers on account of being “too lazy”.
American men came were ranked the world’s 5th worst lovers on because these 15,000 women felt that they were “too rough”.
Here’s the list of the world’s Top 10 Worst Lovers and why:
WORLD’S WORST LOVERS:
1. Germany (too smelly)
2. England (too lazy)
3. Sweden (too quick)
4. Holland (too dominating)
5. America (too rough)
6. Greece (too lovey-dovey)
7. Wales (too selfish)
8. Scotland (too loud)
9. Turkey (too sweaty)
10. Russia (too hairy)
Yikes. Very happy not to be from the UK right now because as you can see, the English, the Welsh, and the Scots are all in the Top 10 worst lovers. I wonder if Northern Ireland came 11th? Seriously UK, step your sex game up.
Ok. If you’re from one of these countries deemed to have the worst lovers, here’s how you can correct this reputation:
1. German men, wash more.
2. English men, get involved during sex.
3. Swedish men, masturbate before sex.
4. Dutch men, chill out would ya?
5. American men, try a little tenderness.
6. Greek men, treat her like a prostitute!
7. Welsh men, give a little bit. Give a little bit of your love to her.
8. Scottish men, put a gag on it!
9. Turkish men, get a monogrammed towel specifically for wiping off sweat during sex. Monogrammed sweat towel = very sexy.
10. Russian men, wax those hairy shoulders. Ain’t nobody trying to cum when they got a face full of shoulder hair.
Now that I’ve dropped some sexpert sex advice on all these poor men, let’s see the world’s Top 10 Best Lovers!
WORLD’S BEST LOVERS
6. South Africa
8. New Zealand
Now I know you’re probably thinking, “WOW! I can’t wait to book my plane ticket to Spain, Brazil, Italy, France, Ireland, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, Denmark, and Canada!”
But let me just ask you this…
Would you rather try and compete with the world’s best lovers or try to seduce women who have only been with some of the world’s worst lovers?
Personally, I’m going to book my plane ticket to Wales so that this summer I can become a sex God in Cardiff. And if that doesn’t work out at least England and Scotland are right next door. I’m bound to be successful with my signature American rough sex style!