Last week, after revealing that 75% OF PEOPLE WOULD HAVE SEX WITH A GHOST IF THEY COULD, I was curious to know what Halloween monster you would NOT have sex with.
I’m still trying to figure out where women draw the line when it comes to having sex with things, but I do know that men will literally fuck anything. Any hole, crease, or crevice you can think of, I can guarantee a man has tried putting his penis inside of it and thrusting in and out.
But as far as fictional monsters go, the majority of you draw the line with Zombies.
Let’s take a look at the results.
The Halloween monster that voters were most likely to have sex with were Demons:
Only 7% of voters weren’t interested in having sex with a demon.
That’s good news for Satan. Should he decide to take over the Earth, the easiest way for him to do would be to send up some sexy demons to sleep with 93% of the world. I’m not too familiar with demonic or satanic rituals but I’m willing to guess that when you have sex with a demon, it eats your soul or something.
If 93% of the world had their souls eaten after having sex with a demon, there would only be approximately 498 million people to fight against Satan’s army. Probably less if you count people claimed by the rapture and the people who will inevitably side with Satan because they don’t think humanity can win.
Way to go guys. Satan can easily take over the world because y’all wanna fuck a bunch of demons.
The Halloween monster voters second most likely to have sex with were witches with 8% of the vote.
No surprise there. After all, witches aren’t the old hags covered in skin abscesses anymore. There are lots of sexy witches. Such as:
Emma Watson (Hermione Granger)
Rose McGowan (remember Charmed?)
Alyssa Milano (also from Charmed)
And there are probably way more sexy witches, but we just don’t have time to see them all.
Feel free to share your favorite sexy witch in the comments.
Anyways, only 13% voted that they would NOT want to have sex with a vampire. That’s messed up because vampires love sex. They’re basically the nymphomaniacs of Halloween monsters. And I’m not just talking about Twilight. Let’s go over what makes a vampire:
Vampires only go out at night. They like to bite. They need the exchange of bodily fluids. Impaled with stakes. I don’t know about you but these fundamental truths about vampires just makes me think of sex.
So not only are vampire inherently horny, you also have to consider that vampires are immortal. That means they don’t age. Even though they look like a sexy 20 year old, they’ve been fucking for hundreds of years. Just think of the sex moves you’d pick up after 400 years of fucking.
That 13% of you is really missing out.
Now, as I mentioned earlier, zombies were the Halloween monster that the majority of voters (33%) did not want to have sex with. I really hoped that zombies would be the Halloween monster no one wanted to have sex with because not only are they reanimated corpses but being slaves to their appetites with little to no agency. Sorry if this is mean but zombies are more like animals than humans. So not only would wanting to have sex with a zombie be a necrophilic grey area, you might also consider it bestiality.
Mind you, though the majority of people had the good sense not to have sex with zombies, only 19% of people would not want to have sex with a mummy.
In other words, sex with the undead? NO.
Sex with an undead ancient Egyptian covered in bandages? YA OK.
I get it. It’s hard to resist that exotic flavour. And having sex with a mummy is certainly helps by knowing that before the mummy was a mummy, it probably looked like this:
So let’s review.
Which Halloween Monsters would you NOT want to have sex with?
Those of you who are really good at math may have already noticed that 22% of the votes are unaccounted for.
Don’t worry, it’s accounted for. The remaining 22% said that the Halloween monster they would not want to sex with was Glenn Close. Can you blame them? Just typing her name is making my minuscule penis shrink to microscopic size.
Just look at her:
Now that’s scary.
If you’re trying to be scary rather than sexy this Halloween, why not dress up as Glenn Close?