Maybe it’s because the end of winter is in sight…maybe it’s because Ashley Sky on a beach was too damn sexy and it broke my brain.
Whatever the reason, I just can’t stop thinking about being on a beach, soaking in the sun, drinking an ice cold cocktail, and having lots of sex right there on the beach.
So whether you’re going to be celebrating Spring Break this year, or you’re just pining for a sunny beach, it’s high time that I taught you how to have amazing sex on a beach.
Sex on a beach is a lot like shower sex, in the sense that they both look great in porn but they’re way different in real life. So you might want your sex on the beach to look like this:
But it won’t. SORRY.
To have sex on a beach, you need to first do some location scouting. It’s important to know of a secluded area where you won’t be disturbed by other beach-goers or even wildlife. One time I was having sex on a beach in Costa Rica, when all of a sudden a bunch of sea turtles emerged from the ocean to lay their eggs in the sand. Of course, watching the turtles lay their eggs in the sand was an amazing thing to witness but it totally ruined the sex because we didn’t feel comfortable fucking in front of a bunch of fertilized turtles.
So find a secluded area. The best is to find an area of beach with only one entrance so you can see if anyone’s coming. Like behind some big rocks or something.
Second, bring a big towel or something to lie on. One thing that I like about the sex on the beach video above is the way that babe gets covered in sand during sex. However, that’s just a video and in real life beach sex, you need to remember that sand is your enemy. You’re going to get covered in it anyways so make sure you bring something to lie on to contain the sand and ensure it doesn’t get near your junk.
Discretion is important during beach sex because you are in a public place and could get in trouble. So the best sex position for beach sex is definitely the spoon position because inattentive passerby’s will think that you’re just cuddling on the beach. And if you’re doing it in midday and not at night like a sane person, make sure you don’t get totally nude. Just pull down the bikini bottoms a tiny bit and whip your dick out of your trunks.
You might be tempted to get into the water and have sex but let me tell you it’s a bad idea. Sex in water can really dry you up, it’s awkward, and you have no idea what’s been floating around in the ocean. Even the sand is probably disgusting, but I’m willing to bet that it’s better than the water. Water is for after sex, to rinse off that horrible jizz-sand mixture you’ll be covered in.
The most important thing about sex on a beach isn’t the quality of the sex, because you’ll be pressed for time, worried about passer-by’s, worried about wildlife, and covered in uncomfortable hot sand. No, sex on a beach is all about the experience. It’s about the sound of the ocean, the cool breeze, the stars (or if you’re feeling adventurous the hot sun).
Mostly this post is just to remind you that life is so much better in the summer and fuck winter.
If anyone was hoping to get a really good recipe for a Sex On The Beach and not a sex tip for having sex on the beach, then here is that recipe now:
Take 1 1/2 ounces vodka, 3/4 ounce peach schnapps, 1/2 ounce creme de cassis, 2 ounces orange juice, 2 ounces cranberry juice, orange slice and maraschino cherry for garnish.
Pour all those ingredients into a shaker and shake the living daylights out of it. Then pour it into a highball glass and enjoy!