I’m Glad Charlie Was Joking – Because Brett Can Do Better


Brett Rossi

Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the web’s original erotic site for women by women. With over 16 years’ experience of writing about and for the adult entertainment industry under her belt, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

If like me, you sometimes find yourself with nothing better to do than to peruse the ample supply of celebrity-related news available to us courtesy of the Western Media, then you know a couple of weeks ago C-grade comic actor and self-proclaimed mega-genius Charlie Sheen blasted out a tweet suggesting that he had gotten hitched to his ex-pornstar girlfriend, Brett Rossi.

As Charlie so eloquently put it: “this is the house ware M Gorbachev R Reagan did some epic. it’s also where S and I GOT MARRIED! c #RumorMilUhPede.”

As the hashtag that closed the semi-literate tweet indicates, this announcement was a joke aimed at a rumor-hungry world – which is good news for Brett Rossi, because it means that she still has the chance to NOT marry Charlie Sheen.

Now, I don’t know the first thing about Brett Rossi, but I still know this much: She can do better. 

I say this based on my experience with a lot of hardcore porn fans, by which I mean not fans of hardcore porn, but porn fans who are hardcore. I’m not talking about the guys who watch a scene or two now and again on a porn tube site, or even those who do so habitually; I’m talking about the guys who lay out thousands of bucks to travel to Las Vegas every year to meet stars in person, get their autographs, and snap pictures of themselves arm in arm with their favorite porn queens.

Sure, some of these guys trend toward the creepy and stalkerish, and given half the chance might just bonk you over the head and stick you in a parrot cage in their basement to keep you as their own, but a lot of them are harmless, lovestruck nice guys who have simply developed an attachment to the women they like to watch suck and fuck.

Back when it was still part of the Consumer Electronic Show, I used to go annually to work at my then-employer’s booth, which always featured performers signing autographs for their fans. I got to know a number of the girls who signed headshots at the booth, and as the only other woman present, I also received a lot of unexpected attention from the guys who would come by the booth for autographs, who assumed that I must also be a performer; why else would a chick be standing in a booth at a porn show, right? (Uh… wrong.)

Anyway, what I learned about the guys standing in that line is that they represented a broad spectrum of humanity. Any generalization or assumption you might have about them, other than that they are most likely porn fans, is probably flawed. From that line, I met doctors, lawyers (no Indian chiefs, though), electricians, writers, IT people, accountants, construction workers, pro athletes – you name it. I can’t be 100% certain, but I also didn’t see any indication that any of them were drinking tiger’s blood, or wizard’s piss, or whatever the fuck it is that fuels Charlie’s fevered Hollywood ego.

Along the way, I found that a lot of these guys had the same conflicted attitude about the performers they lusted after; while they enjoyed watching the girls do their dirty thing on video, they also seemed to have a yearning to ‘save’ the girls from the porn life. A few came right out and said something along the lines of “Man, she probably wouldn’t give me the time of day, but if she was with me, she’d never have to work another day in her life.”

The hidden subtext of that notion, of course, is: “She’d also only fuck me – and any of her female friends that she wanted to bring in for a threesome – for the rest of her life.”

Anyway, my point here is that I’ll bet there’s at least a few diehard porn fans out there who have a serious thing for Brett Rossi, and I’d further wager that at least one of them is less boorish, self-absorbed, unstable and meth-addled than Charlie Fucking Sheen.

Of course, Brett is now an ex-pornstar, so perhaps that ship has sailed – but then again, porn retirements often follow the same trajectory as professional sports retirements: right back into the field of play. So maybe there’s still hope for Brett; she just needs to ditch Charlie, get back to work, and wait for someone better to get in line. Or, she can just step back, think about what she’s doing (and who she’s doing) for even one minute, then dump Charlie and run like hell in whatever direction is available.

That’s called the “Sane Person Option,” and thankfully it’s available to pornstars, ex-pornstars and us regular ol’ civilians alike.

You can see more from Calico at Sssh.com, the web’s original erotic site for women by women.

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Published on: February 14, 2014

Filled Under: Sex News

Views: 1322

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