Your Local DMV: Redefining ‘Auto-Eroticism’ Since 1915

Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the web’s original erotic site for women by women. With over 16 years’ experience of writing about and for the adult entertainment industry under her belt, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

I have to admit feeling a bit of sympathy for public masturbators, especially when their offense comes in the context of some highly sexualized environment, like the produce section at Safeway, public library bathrooms, or their local Department of Motor Vehicles.

What’s so damn sexy about the DMV, you ask? Well, I can only speak for the two that I’ve had cause to traipse through from time to time, both of which are staffed by some of the hottest ladies and gents this side of The Biggest Loser and use an automated line-management system that includes audio announcements read in a sexy, sultry – at times even slutty – female robot voice.

“Number J337 is now being served at Window 14.”

Oh yeah, baby! Let your imagination run wild with what “being served” might entail, and then tell me that you don’t get at least a little turned on, especially when Window 14 is being manned by luscious Luis, a 40-something, balding Latino stud who still almost fits into the industrial strength office chair that’s wedged diagonally into his cubicle.

I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but I get moist just thinking about the intoxicating smell inside the DMV, an arousing bouquet that blends the Windex-like aroma of carpet shampoo with a manly whiff of body odor and the faintest, fading hint of a 5-layer burrito from Taco Bell.

Hell, the DMV even has its own photo studio, and I hear that even the biggest names in Hollywood all go there to get their headshots done. Granted, the DMV headshots are rarely as hot as the ones taken at the police station, but still, we all know how much people love jerking off to celebrity pics!

Sure, it might sick out some of your fellow DMV denizens if you whip out your cock for a stroke while you wait to submit your title transfer paperwork, but what’s a horny fellow supposed to do when surrounded by all those sensual anti-drunk driving posters and mouthwatering MILFs ensconced behind plexiglass shields just like plus-sized strippers in a coin-operated peepshow booth?

Guys like Edward Alvin aren’t made of stone, after all, and sometimes when your naughty nature calls, there’s just no time to slip away to the men’s room – especially when can’t afford taking the chance of losing your place in line to Number J338!

Obviously, society in general – and the government in particular – share some of the blame here. Just like a certain courageous Mayor who understood that it’s insane to expect New Yorkers to abstain from buying 128-ounce cups of Mountain Dew and acted with aplomb to remove that temptation by force of law, legislatures across the country need to step and de-sex the DMV. No more low-cut moomoos or time-ravaged tramp-stamps on display, an end to the eating of hot dogs, bananas and popsicles in plain view, and for God’s sake replace that sexy robot voice with an old-school Stephen Hawking-style voice aide!

Even if DMV de-sexing isn’t in the cards, I say we give Ed a masturbatory mulligan on this particular stroke. I mean, it’s not like he does this sort of thing all the time, like some people.

See more from Calico Rudasil at Sssh.com, the web’s original erotic site for women by women.

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Published on: November 25, 2013

Filled Under: Sex, Sex News

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