Waukesha, Wisconsin man Gerard P. Streator, 46, could be going to jail for an act of desperation that every man tries from time to time. Streator was having sex with an abandoned curbside couch at 11 pm on September 3rd.
It is quite common for a man once he’s reached sexual maturity to melt butter, pour it into a Ziploc bag, slide the Ziploc between the cushions, and thrust away but Streator was unfortunately not using his own couch.
An off-duty cop out for a jog came across Streator during the humping and tried to apprehend him. Streator ran away and the officer was shocked to see that he had been alone with the couch.
Last Thursday, Streator was charged with one count of lewd and lascivious behavior. If convicted he could serve 9 months in jail and $10,000 in fines.
You may be wondering why a man would have sex with couch, which I am both qualified and prepared to explain.
The average American male loves their couch. They eat there, they sleep there, they hang out there, they watch things there. 95% of free time is spent on the couch. Although the bed can give the couch some competition, a man’s couch is his most comfortable piece of furniture. By being the most comfortable piece of furniture, a bond is formed by the owner because the couch provides a sense of comfort and familiarity.
This sense of comfort and familiarity that develops between a man and his couch can develop into love. Just as you love someone who cares and provides for you. And sometimes, well, a mutual respect for each other doesn’t quite cut it. Love is a tricky thing to explain but you’ll know when you’re overcome with emotions that the only thing left to do is express your love physically with a couch or chair or chaise lounge.
Streator made the mistake of making beautiful, sweet love to a discarded couch on the side of a public street. Couch love should only occur in the privacy of one’s home with plenty of butter and Ziploc bags.