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Masturbation Weight-Loss Plan

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More fun than the Subway diet

I’ve always dreamt of having the power of telekinesis. Move things with my mind. But I would want telekinetic powers that burned calories so I wouldn’t become massively fat while I was jacking it all day with my mind.

Unfortunately science has not invented telekinesis…yet…but Kotaku is reporting that a man in Japan has figured out The Masturbation Diet. Lose weight by masturbating and watching what you eat.

Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, yeah. It is. Allow me to explain.

According to Nikkan Spa, a 28 year old referred to as “Yuichi Ito” was able to lose almost 9 pounds in two months simply by eating properly and masturbating three to five times a day.

After graduating from high school, the 5 foot 5 inch Ito weighed 167 pounds. Here in America that may sound status quo, but that’s really fat in Japan. So what did he decide to do?

“I read online that pleasuring oneself was the same as running 200 meters,” said Ito. “Without a girlfriend, the only way I could become thin was through masturbation!”

Masturbation: the only way to become thin!

That’s much better than masturbation’s old tagline:

Masturbation: blindness, hairy palms, and Hell!

While masturbating does burn calories, there are too many variables (duration, intensity, effort, frequency) to compare it to actual exercise. Nikkan Spa had a doctor weigh in on the masturbation diet to see it was effective or not. Satoshi Yoshijima, a dermatologist and doctor of internal medicine in Tokyo, said that, ”The issue with the effectiveness of this diet is that while you are exhausting your body, you are not consuming calories by using physical strength.”

But then again, Dr. Yoshijima is a dermatologist and not a nutrition specialist. So what does he know?

Ultimately I think the key to the masturbation diet is not masturbating frequently, it’s watching what you eat. The fact is dieting is hard and you need to reward yourself somehow throughout the process. So the next time you turn down a second piece of cheesecake, why not masturbate? You’re losing weight!

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