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This is Why You Should Never Say “Bite Me” to a Brit

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VzhyKLG This is Why You Should Never Say “Bite Me” to a Brit

Don’t even say, “Bite Me” to this sexy Brit (Nicole Neal)

Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the web’s original erotic site for women by women. With over 16 years’ experience of writing about and for the adult entertainment industry under her belt, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

Let’s say you’re playing video games one evening, and your next door neighbor asks you to kindly turn down the volume a tad: do you…

(a) comply and turn down the volume, but not so much that you can’t hear your digital shooting victims gargling and groaning their way through highly entertaining death throes;

(b) tell your neighbor to shove it up his ass, because you need to be able to hear what’s going on in order to have a chance in the fast approaching final battle with the game’s primary ‘boss’ character, or

(c) head over to your neighbor’s house and chew off his cock? 

If you answered (c), your name just might be Jason Martin.

I know most people’s initial reaction to this story will be to condemn Mr. Martin as some kind of violent oral sex freak, but before you judge, consider this: Mr. Martin has very few teeth, so the fact that he managed to gnaw off his neighbor’s knob has to be considered at least a little impressive, if admittedly a bit cannibalistic and possibly German.

According to the UK’s Daily Star, Mr. Martin and his alleged victim, Richard Henderson, used to be friends; somehow, I suspect this inappropriate ingestion incident has cut short any chance of mending the fences between them. A strong friendship can survive many things, ‘tis true, but by indulging in carnivorous castration Mr. Martin may well have bitten off more than he can chew.

Mr. Martin, it should be noted, denies chomping his former chum’s chode, but the crux of his defense boils down to this: “I’m not gay.”

“I didn’t do that… I am not a gay man in any way,” Mr. Martin reportedly told the jury. “The thought of putting another man’s penis in my mouth…. Well, it’s not for me. Not in a million years would I do it.”

Uh…. OK, let’s get a couple things straight here, Jason, shall we?

First, it’s not exactly typical of gay men to go around biting each other’s peckers off, either, any more than it is standard practice among us ladies to play Hungry Hungry Hippo with our significant other’s hoo-hoo. When taking a penis into their mouths, gay men by and large aim to pleasure one another in the process, and as you must have gathered by now, there’s really nothing particularly pleasant about having one’s trouser snake bitten in half.

Second, if Mr. Martin didn’t sever Mr. Henderson’s hot dog, then how did Richard end up getting separated from Dick? Are we to believe that Mr. Henderson fragged his own fuckstick just to frame his estranged (and evidently manhood-munching) mate?  Call me a Doubting John Thomas, but I’m not convinced.

IME, guys are actually pretty protective of their one-eyed Petes, and generally unwilling to, say, blithely slice off their meat scepter just to help erect a firm backstory that will stimulate the cops into having a hard-on for former friends who play their video games too loud.

Martin’s denial didn’t arouse any sympathy in the judge, either, who lowered the beef gavel on Mr. Martin and packed him off to the penal system with a sentence of seven years for his gratuitous genital gluttony, plus another year for a “dangerous driving offense” committed while he was on bail.

(No word from the Daily Star as to whether that dangerous driving offense was something straight out of The World According to Garp….)

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I have to wear my glasses when I go to the theater. If you want to reach me directly, email me at cdusty@sex.com or Tweet at me on Twitter, @CDustysexblog.