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If Nipples are Banned from Instagram, These 9 Things Should Also Be Banned

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Instagram has a no-nipple policy which has gotten a lot of attention in the past weeks, and has proven to be quite the contentious subject du jour, drawing influential involvement and opposition from celebrities such as Scout Willis, Grace Coddington and Rihanna.

Here at Sex.com we believe that nipples, bodies and sex are evil and they should be completely banned from social media. In an effort to curb all of the perverts that want to promote sexuality, we have put together a list of additional elements that should be banned from social media. In doing so, Instagram and Facebook can be certain that nobody will every look at sexually explicit photographs on the internet ever again, unless they visit Sex.com

1. Jen Selter

Here is a woman who got famous, and I mean gracing-the-pages-of-mainstream-fashion-magazines famous, by showing off her toned physique in a series of scandalous Instagram photos. But because she doesn’t show her nipples, but rather her abs, butt, cleavage I guess its OK. We should probably ban her from Instagram, just so people don’t get too aroused.

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2. Cleavage

Showing every other part of the breast except the nipple is totally fine, because as long as you don’t see the actual nipple, its totally not sexually suggestive and all of the kids and repressed adults who look at pictures of cleavage don’t know what a boob looks like, right? Ban all pictures of cleavage, for the kids.

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3. Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus poses naked in almost every second picture that appears of her on the Internetz. She promotes sexuality, her concerts are sexually explicit, she’s not ashamed of her body and flaunts it, but if she shows her nipples, well then she’s banned from Instagram. Makes sense! Ban her.

Miley Cyrus If Nipples are Banned from Instagram, These 9 Things Should Also Be Banned

4. Lips

Lips have been used to kiss before, and lips are involved in a variety of different sex acts and promote sex before marriage and being a slut, or something. Ban all pictures of lips because lips are the devil.

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5. Adult performers

Hey, these people acted in porn films before! You better ban them from social media because if someone sees a picture of a pornstar hanging out beside a pool with her friends, everyone who sees that picture will immediately go to a website like Sex.com and become a porn-watching pervert for the rest of their lives. Ban all pornstars from Instagram.

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6. People enjoying bananas

The eating of bananas is too suggestive for social media because when I see someone eating a banana it reminds me that I’m over-weight and should eat more fruits and vegetables. But to be real, a banana looks like a penis, so when someone eats it they are promoting illicit sexual acts. #banbananapics

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7. Girl-on-Girl Action

You know what’s really offensive? Lesbians. You know what’s even more offensive? Celebrities pretending that they’re lesbians. One pair of boobs in a picture is offensive enough, and now you want to include two pairs of boobs? Ban all girl-on-girl action, because it makes me feel funny inside.

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8. Justin Bieber

This one should be pretty self-explanatory. Justin Bieber is a huge moron. Fuck that guy. And his perpetual nipple-flashing. Ban him.

Justins Chest If Nipples are Banned from Instagram, These 9 Things Should Also Be Banned

9. #aftersex

If you include the word sex in a hashtag it means that you are promoting sex on the Internet and promoting sex on the internet is evil. This one is especially bad because it promotes inclusion and participation amongst people on social media. First someone sees #aftersex on their Instagram feed, and next thing you know they’re putting the word “nipple” into a Google Image search. Ban this shit before the epidemic spreads.

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Yes, that’s right, all of the above items promote sexuality, smut, pornography, etc. There’s no room for that kind of garbage on our social media networks, which are so wholesome and positive! Let’s promote body and sex shaming on social media.

Luckily, if you want to see sexy pictures covering all of the above (with the exception of Bieber…though there’s probably some Bieber erotica actually ☹ ) you can just visit www.sex.com and stop wasting your time on Instagram and Facebook!

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My name is Gil Powers. I am an extremely, extremely underrated lover and the shortest/fattest man to ever play in the NBA. I like long walks to the 7/11 and watching reality TV show marathons.

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