Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the web’s original erotic site for women by women. With over 16 years’ experience of writing about and for the adult entertainment industry under her belt, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
Taken individually, there’s nothing particularly impressive about the acts of eating, masturbating, physically resisting arrest by cops, or being insanely high on meth. But, to do all of those things at the same time? That’s some serious multitasking!
Like some manner of meth-fuelled, postmodern, alternative Renaissance man, Beaverton, Oregon resident Andrew Frey dazzled his fellow diners at Iggy’s Bar and Grill by successfully holding off a reported fifteen police officers while continuing to masturbate, all the while. Here’s how published reports describe the enthralling scene, (with just a bit of my own embellishment):
After emitting a “series of outbursts,” Frey whipped out his manhood and threatened to concoct his own special sauce on the spot – a feat that, granted, other customers probably didn’t much appreciate as a visual spectacle while trying to enjoy a plate of chicken wings.
Responding with the sort of alacrity and urgency that usually only attends a terrorist bombing or particularly deep discount at Dunkin Donuts, local law enforcement managed to arrive on the scene before Frey was able to complete his manhood-milking mission.
Facing such a clearly virile, motivated and visibly erect suspect, the cops felt they had no choice but to reach for their Tasers and pump high voltage electricity into the turgid tweaker. Alas, the normally debilitating shock was insufficient to the task, and didn’t phase Frey or prevent him from continuing to flog his phallus with increasing determination.
Awaiting backup, the first responders stared on in mute wonder as Frey strutted down the buffet line, pausing occasionally to sample various dressings and sauces with the tip of his engorged member.
“Fuck yeah, ranch,” Frey said at one point, glancing down lovingly at his proud, protruding penis. “Jimmy here loves the ranch!”
As more cops arrived on the scene, they huddled to discuss their options. Perhaps a second Tasing, with even more of the devices used in concert, would be enough to subdue the sausage slapper? At what point should they resort to deadly force in order to halt Frey’s handiwork?
Finally, a plan emerged: drawing straws to determine which brave officers would make the sacrifice of engaging in a full-frontal assault, and which would take the less objectionable route flanking the freaked out fapper, the cops encircled Frey like a giant human condom and beset upon him in coordinated fashion.
With some onlookers straining to observe the ongoing assault while others were simply waiting for their check and doggie bags, cries of “Get down on the ground!” and “Put your hands behind your back!” and “Eww yuck, it touched me, it touched me!!” rang out across the restaurant. Somehow, miraculously, the police were able to subdue Frey before any of his seed being spilled in the vicinity.
Following the incident, a humble and momentarily sober Frey told police that he was so high on meth at the time that he doesn’t even remember his confrontational wanking – but that’s no great surprise. High performance athletes like Frey are capable of amazing things, even when impaired or injured. Recall that Dallas Cowboys great Troy Aikman once earned Super Bowl MVP honors in a game that he doesn’t even remember playing. (Aikman’s memory loss is attributed to a recently sustained concussion and not habitual heavy meth use, but I wouldn’t be entirely shocked to find out he was sporting a serious woody within his crotch cup while semi-consciously tossing all those touchdowns….)
The moral of the story, if there is one, is this: As it turns out, there is a point of diminishing returns with respect to multitasking, especially while one is out in public.
If you ever find yourself unsure of whether you have crossed that line, take a quick look downward. Are your genitals exposed? If so, are you standing in a restaurant? If you answer both of the above questions with “yes,” you might want to consider zipping your fly, asking for your check, and then getting back to attending to your erection in a more appropriate forum: the back seat of the city bus.
For More Works, Films and Photography by Calico Rudasil, go to Sssh.com, the web’s original erotic site made for women, by women.