One-Trick Donkey-Punch: The Porn Industry’s Obsession with Celebrity Job Offers

Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the web’s original erotic site for women by women. With over 16 years’ experience of writing about and for the adult entertainment industry under her belt, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

I remember when I was about to turn 18, I made a short list of things I was going to do on or around my 18th birthday, just because now I could do them, as someone who had passed the magical, arbitrary threshold that welcomes teenagers into the wonderful, debt-ridden world of adulthood.

On that list were some pretty obvious and not-so-horrible ideas, like voting and opening my own checking account, as well as some equally obvious but not-necessarily-so-sharp ones, like getting a tramp-stamp and smoking a cigarette – the latter of which might not have been so bad, except that not knowing any better, I eagerly sucked the smoke deep into my lungs as one does when ripping bongs, leading me to cough up curious little things that appeared to be tiny extraterrestrial body parts, complete with a working blood supply.

One thing that I didn’t put on my list was “make a porn movie.” This didn’t fail to make the list because I had considered and rejected the idea; it was because I wasn’t a celebrity. 

You see – and I know this is going to be tough for a lot of you men to accept – most teenagers are not really chomping at the bit to be filmed while chomping at the bit, if you catch my drift. Heck, I’ll bet the idea doesn’t even occur to most teenagers who have famous older-half sisters who got famous in part because they made sex tapes, themselves.

That is, it doesn’t occur to them unless, you know… the porn industry sends them offers to do porn as soon as they turn 18?

Look, it’s not that I give a shit about Ken Doll Kardashian, Barbie Jenner, or whatever the fuck her name is, or that I’m offended by the idea of a porn company wanting to profit off filming her fumble with some oversized cock and pretend to have a good time in the process; I’m just sick of porn companies offering jobs to celebrities, quasi-celebrities, people who are only famous because they allegedly killed their roommates, or who are only famous because they allegedly killed their own child.

As you’ve no doubt noticed from the links above, Vivid Entertainment’s Steve Hirsch is the worst offender where this annoying, unoriginal, highly redundant form of publicity stunt is concerned, and those links don’t tell half the story. Any combination of relative fame and fuckability surpassing that of steel wool is likely to draw a job offer from Steve Keepin-it-Classy Hirsch – and if that fame comes along with an ample serving of disgrace and/or alleged criminality, well that’s just icing on the porn cake!

It probably doesn’t help that TMZ publishes every half-assed porn offer tossed in the general direction of anyone on the A-G Lists, not to mention trumpeting the existence of every celebrity sex tape under the sun, even if the “celebrity” at issue is someone we’d all forgotten about 15 years ago – or more.

I also understand that a lot of people are intrigued by the idea of seeing someone do porn who is famous for reasons other than having already done porn, but if you actually watch some of these celeb sex tapes, you’ll understand why the world needs porn stars: because real celebrities, the ones who are actually worth looking at naked, or have any real talent to speak of, don’t do porn.

Having said all that, there are some celebs out there that I have to admit I’d love to see do porn – but not because they are hot, or because I think watching them have sex would be arousing. I’m more into the idea of celebrity punishment-porn, like Alec Baldwin’s Big Cock Watersports Spectacular or a former VP doing POV in Suck My Dick, Cheney!

Until that sort of celebrity porn tape exists, though, count me out of this whole celeb porn craze; I’d rather watch Manuel Ferrara fuck a hole in the ground than watch anybody fuck a hole in a Kardashian.

Read more commentary by Calico at Sssh.com

ai One Trick Donkey Punch: The Porn Industry’s Obsession with Celebrity Job Offers

Written by:

Published on: November 6, 2013

Filled Under: Porn, Porn News & Highlights

Views: 1041

Tags: , , , ,