Search for the Sexiest Movie: Sex Pot

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What happens when two porn-addicted teenage potheads discover a kind of weed that makes people horny? I watched Sex Pot to find out what happens and try to determine whether or not it is the sexiest movie of all time…

Let me start by saying that Sex Pot is barely a movie. The opening credits sequence is a mix of Los Angeles stock-footage, Montreal stock-footage, and footage of traffic clearly shot by someone either in the cast or crew riding shotgun on their way to another location.

There’s nothing wrong with using stock-footage but mixing the skylines of L.A. and Montreal reveal the movie’s low budget and disregard for details. The in-car footage isn’t so bad but it reminded me of Birdemic‘s opening credits, which is another movie that’s barely a movie.

Less than a minute in, you already know that this thing is going to be a complete train wreck…

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Spanky & Mirt

Sex Pot begins with Spanky (the skinny, creepy one) getting dropped off by his parents in a nondescript parking so he can spend the weekend at his Mert’s house (Mert is the fat, creepy one). Their plans for the weekend? Smoke weed, watch a lot of porn, and hopefully have sex with the bisexual neighbors.

Sounds like a regular weekend with your friends right? However, things take a turn for the worse when Mert suggests they climb out onto the fire escape, which is actually just a little ledge, so they can peep on the bi-neighbors. The girls are just getting naked, trying on different skanky outfits, as girls normally do when they’re at home, and Mert decides that he must masturbate to the girls as he’s looking into their window.

Seeing Mert masturbate to the girls while wearing his “I <3 2 Beat My Meat” shirt is one of the single most disturbing things I have ever seen. Note: Mert wears the “I <3 2 Beat My Meat” shirt the entire movie including in a hot tub, which is totally insane because why would anyone wear that shirt? This is roughly at the ten minute mark and already I was hoping that Mert would be arrested for lewd behavior.

The girls catch Mert and Spanky but instead of calling the police they put on a lesbian foreplay show for the guys. They put on lingerie, strip it off, and make out all to distract the boys long enough to spray mace in their faces. If only the guys had been arrested instead…

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The lesbian foreplay show that leads to their macing

But they weren’t arrested! So Spanky and Mert go back to the apartment and find a giant wooden box hidden under a couch cushion. Some hiding place. If anyone tried to sit on the couch, the box would be discovered immediately. Are we to believe that this is a magic box that can only be found when the cushion is removed? Boy, I really hope someone was fired for that blunder.

Anyways, the box is full of the Koomba-Loomba weed. Thankfully, the weed comes with an instructional DVD. The lady who grows the weed explains via DVD that the Koomba-Loomba is cut with powerful aphrodisiac herbs or as she says, “African Magic Grass” (even though they say the box is from Jamaica when they find it).

They smoke the African Magic Grass and get super horny munchies. American Pie was classic because no one had ever seen Jason Biggs have sex with a pie before. Sex Pot pays homage to the classic teen comedy when the protagonists have sex with watermelons and a bagel. Let me tell you, watching these two weirdos fuck food is disgusting.

Afterwards, the girls come to apologize for macing the guys, which doesn’t make sense because Mert was masturbating right outside their window and should be in jail. They had every right to mace him in the face. Logic doesn’t exist in Sex Pot. To apologize, the girls invite the guys to a pool party in Malibu. This gives them the great idea of smoking the Koomba-Loomba weed with the girls at the party so they can have sex with them.

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Bikini Car Wash

From there Spanky and Mirt go to a “Bikini Car Wash”, try to buy alcohol, meet two prostitutes named Strawberry and Princess, go to a different party (where Spanky has accidental incest and Mert steals back his weed from a little girl), and Mert’s brother’s crazy ex-girlfriend shows up. I could explain all these events and even reveal whether or not they smoke the Koomba-Loomba at the pool party in Malibu but it’s too surreal that you won’t believe me if I took the time.

All you need to know is that the movie end on this note:

Is Sex Pot the sexiest movie of all time? No. It’s not. Not even close. There is a lot of sex and nudity but it’s never sexy.

Let me say again that Sex Pot is barely a movie. The camera set-ups are fucking terrible. It looks like a Canadian TV show. I looked for any production notes but unfortunately there are none. I wanted to see if it really was shot in one day because it feels so thrown together. By the far the most confusing part of the movie is when Spanky and Mert get into their gorilla shit-covered car to go to Bikini Car Wash. The car pulls out of a nondescript parking lot on their way to Bikini Car Wash but the camera holds on the parking lot for some reason. The car then pulls back into the exact same space in the exact same parking lot.

Mert rolls down his window and suddenly they are at Bikini Car Wash. Are you fucking kidding me?

That’s not even the craziest part.

The craziest part is that Bikini Car Wash is in a different parking lot than the one they pulled in/out of. Why didn’t they just get a shot of the car pulling into actual Bikini Car Wash? Why did they have the car park in the space it just left?

This is just one example of many where Sex Pot‘s low production value causes confusion and disbelief for the viewer. But nothing in Sex Pot is more confusing than the characters, especially the protagonists Spanky and Mert. They are totally inconsistent.

Basically their characters change to accommodate whatever gag is in the scene. Which is unfortunate because the gags are terrible. The only thing that is consistent about the protagonists is that they’re horny and they like smoking weed. You end up hating Spanky and Mert because they’re overly-horny potheads.

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“Strawberry gonna suck yo dick!” – Sex Pot’s best line

Sex Pot is barely a movie because it was made by The Asylum. The Asylum is a film studio that specializes in direct-to-video releases that capitalize on successful major studio films. For example, when Transformers was hot they put a sci-fi movie called Transmorphers.

Sex Pot is a very clear attempt to capitalize on the success of Seth Rogen movies. The obsession of porn is from Knocked Up. The special strand of weed is from Pineapple Express. Two friends trying to get to a party so they can get laid is Superbad. Combined them all together and you have Sex Pot. Anyone who thinks that Seth Rogen is a talentless hack needs to see Sex Pot. The movie tries to mimic the same vulgar-witticisms that made Rogen a star but it doesn’t work.

Asylum movies rarely have a budget over a million dollars. One look at Sex Pot and you can tell that it was made for way less than a million. An area where they really should have invested more money in was the casting of babes.

A sexy movie needs sexy babes. So while there is tons of nudity in the movie and lots of sexy situations, they all fall flat because the girls (and the men for that matter) aren’t attractive. We are told by the characters that the girls are hot but it doesn’t translate to the screen. It’s like they rounded up a bunch women at a Greyhound depot and told them they would be in a movie if they took their tops off. It’s really not something you want to look at, which makes the sexiness suffer to the point where it can’t recover.

So in the end, Sex Pot is not the sexiest movie of all time despite the fact that it has more sex acts and nudity than any movie I’ve ever seen. It’s a lazy, teen sex romp effort that either confuses or disappoints with every scene. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have to watch this movie.

Everyone needs to watch Sex Pot because it’s the only movie that would probably work better if it had just been made into a porno. That’s how crazy Sex Pot is. It’s a porno without the sex. And if it was a porno, the production values would be slightly higher, the acting better, the babes sexier, and because there would be actual sex filling up the running time of the movie the viewer wouldn’t be distracted by the sloppy character development and vile dialogue.

Sex Pot would also work well as an after-school special to illustrate the dangers of pornography and drugs. Because after you watch this movie, you will not want to watch porn or smoke weed ever again.

Oh well, I guess the search for the sexiest movie must continue…

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Apparently there’s a 3D release of Sex Pot. Now that I got to see!

 

Other thoughts:

  • Mert’s brother must be the coolest guy! Why is the movie about his loser brother and his loser friend?
  • “Strawberry’s gonna suck yo dick!” was hilarious. All the characters are terrible except Strawberry.
  • The cougar at the party gets a thumbs up.
  • Children have no place in a movie like this, cut the children.
  • Incest? Sex Pot says it’s ok as long as it’s in the dark.
  • Masturbating in front of your friend, is this what teens do?
  • 80% of the movie takes place in nondescript parking lots.
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I have to wear my glasses when I go to the theater. If you want to reach me directly, email me at cdusty@sex.com or Tweet at me on Twitter, @CDustysexblog.

Comments

  • julie

    Hot and sexy bich