discusses Star Wars Episode VII

It’s been an eventful week…

Hurricane Sandy wreaked havoc across the eastern United States. A new Kim Kardashian sex tape emerged and then was written off as a fake. Lady Gaga and Rhianna both dressed up in weed-related costumes for Halloween.

But really, there was no bigger news story than Disney’s 4 billion dollar acquisition of Lucasfilm and the announcement that there will be a Star Wars Episode VII

The reaction from fans was cautiously optimistic. Yes, the idea of more Star Wars is exciting but the overall shittiness of the prequel trilogy is hard to overlook. The most unsettling part of a new Star Wars is that it’s a guaranteed success. I mean, c’mon, it’s Star Wars. What incentive does Disney have to make a good movie? Everyone will see it in theaters and buy all the toys. All we can do is hope that the lifeless sack of flesh named George Lucas has little to no involvement because whatever connection to humanity he had has been replaced with a 3D rendered POS.

Just watch this video to see what I mean:

“If I forget to say ‘action’ or ‘cut’ just step in and say ‘action’ or ‘cut’…I manage ‘action’ and ‘cut’ and ‘faster’ and ‘more intense’. And then mostly I sit there looking miserable and quiet.” – George Lucas.

He admits that the podrace sequence is too long and people will be bored. He admits that the droids pose no threat to any of the main characters, therefore there is no tension throughout the story. He casts Jake Lloyd instead of one of the two perfectly competent child-actors. He talks about destroying the American Graffiti legacy with the universally hated sequel More American Graffiti and doesn’t see the correlation between the two projects. He also is in complete denial after seeing a first-cut of The Phantom Menace calling it stylistically challenging.

What’s even more baffling is that after the train-wreck that was The Phantom Menace, he proceeded to out-do his shittiness with Attack of the Clones.

Now a lot of nerds out there are probably thinking that George Lucas is Star Wars so he needs to be involved. But non-canon Star Wars can be very good, such as the story of Jar Jar Bink’s father George R. Binks. George R. Binks was a Gungan whaler, unhappily married to a miserable wife and the father of an idiot (Jar Jar). On whaling voyage with his wife and son, they ran into an aggressive whale. After numerous navigational errors by Jar Jar, the family was shipwrecked on a deserted island. While stranded, George contemplated SUICIDE because his son’s constant clumsiness was so annoying. He tried to shoot himself in the head but only managed to graze his skull. Crazy right? If you’re not reading Wookieepedia, you’re really missing out.

To continue the persecution of George Lucas, most people seem to forget that Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi were directed Irvin Kershner and Richard Marquand respectively and they turned out just fine. Empire Strikes Back is considered to be the best movie of the Star Wars series (for now, at least) and it’s also the only Star Wars where Lucas only receives a story credit. He had almost no involvement when it came to Empire and it’s fucking dope.

All we can hope for Episode VII is that George takes a backseat to the whole production. In May this year he said that Star Wars was dead, so hopefully he continues to feel that way now that Star Wars is the property of Disney. After all, Disney owns the rights to Marvel and although I did not see The Avengers, it was well-received bynerds and regular people everywhere (completely nullifying the argument I made earlier in this post but whatever, I don’t care it’s my blog).

Of course, if George Lucas is involved in Episode VII, it’s all over for Star Wars.

At least Vivid announced today that they will be releasing sequels to Axel Braun’s Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody. Vivid mentioned that they plan to include a spoof of Episode VII for 2015 (when the real Episode VII comes out). Personally, I cannot wait to see the prequel parodies. There’s already so much failed attempts at sexual tension and humor that the parodies honestly have the potential to be better than the actual movies.

Axel Braun is also a much better director than George Lucas. Braun is the reigning AVN Director of the Year and has been praised for his attention to costumes, set design, production values, casting choices and erotic performances. Lucas can’t boast about his casting choise, not recently anyways, and the non-erotic performances in his movies are so flat.

If you haven’t seen Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody, you really should get on it. Check out the official trailer or buy it

In just a few days we went from no new Star Wars to seven newStar Wars (if you count the porn parodies). What an exciting time to be alive.

PS. Does anyone know if Attack of the Clones is going to be re-released in 3D in 2013? This scene is just silly in 2D

  • mr papa man

    great article!!!!!! i totally agree.

  • Chico Dusty

    Thank you Mr. mrpapaman. Glad you liked it

  • Chico Dusty

    Any word on the 2013 3D release of Clones?

  • Dr_Lovetouch

    Hey Chico,

    Just wanted to jump in with a quick addition: the long term plan here is to make a new Star Wars movie every two to three years. Not that that changes any of your (great) article, but it’s clear they plan to try to milk this cash cow for however much milk is left. This cow is a freak!

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  • Lando

    You obviously dont know shit about Star Wars because otherwise you would know that there wouldnt be Star Wars without Lucas.

  • waaatto

    lol found this on the site:

  • Chico Dusty

    Great job!

  • Chico Dusty

    I believe I addressed this in the post but I’ll re-address it in the comments.

    Yes, I realize that George Lucas created Star Wars. He should always get a credit in some respect because he created the Star Wars universe. However, it’s his involvement in future projects that worries me. Did anyone even see RedTails? I think it’s safe to say that he’s lost it. While promoting RedTails he said something about RedTails being the first movie that was marketed to black people or that feature black heroes, which is simply not true. I mean, there’s a whole genre of it.

    That’s just to illustrate how out of touch and confused he is. Which is why he shouldn’t be in charge of making a Star Wars movie because it means so much to people that he has no connection with. Star Wars fans are just dollar signs to him.

    Think about it this way. Matt Groening created The Simpsons but the best episodes were in season 5 when David Mirkin was show-runner. Just because some guy created something, it doesn’t mean he’s the absolute authority on it.

    Is JJ Abrams the right choice? I don’t know. But George Lucas has this mythos around him that makes it hard for people to challenge him. The final product is a lazy, boring movie.

    But that’s just my opinion.

  • Lando

    W.e you can go fuck yourself

  • Chico Dusty

    Yikes. That’s not nice.