I used to hate shopping with my girlfriend (aka Gleb).
She’d always say to me, “Ay papi, why you never take me shopping no more?”
And I’d be like, “Ugh…Because I hate shopping!”
Finally, one Sunday afternoon she said to me, “Ay papi, take me shopping today and I make it worth your while.” I was hoping she was going to make it worth my while by getting a cool hat or something, but instead she pulled me into the dressing room for some quickie sex. And yes, it was awesome.
Since then, I always take my girlfriend Gleb shopping so that we can have sex in a dressing room.
Sex in a dressing room is one of the most exciting things a couple can do. I recommend it to all of you.
Although, there are few things you need to know before you go to the mall and have sex in a dressing room. So let’s get straight to it! Here is Chico Dusty’s How To Have Sex In A Dressing Room.
NOT ALL DRESSING ROOMS ARE CREATED EQUAL
Before you have sex in a dressing room, you have to scout out some different dressing rooms.
What are you looking for on this scouting mission? Cameras, nosey employees, size of the dressing rooms, acoustics. These are all the things you need to know about before you have sex in a dressing room, otherwise you risk getting caught.
I understand how tempting it is to just slip into any old dressing room with your significant other and get it on, but you need to scout. Scouting is super easy. Grab anything from the store and ask to try it on. They’ll bring you back to the dressing rooms and instead of trying on what you brought with you, look around the dressing room.
If you see a camera, move on to the next store and repeat until you find one without cameras.
If there’s a big echo, move on. The ideal dressing rooms to have sex in are the ones that are closed stall because it keeps the sex-sounds muffled outside the room.
If it’s a tiny room, move on. You want to have some space to try different sex positions, don’t you?
If the employee doesn’t give you any space, move on.
Always try to get into a dressing room that’s clear of traffic like the one at the very back.
When is a good time to have sex in a dressing room?
If the store is super busy, you might want to take a rain-check. Trust me, you do not want employees knocking on the door trying to figure out what’s taking you so long to try on one pair of jeans. You also don’t want to have to exit the dressing room with a line-up of angry shoppers staring daggers at your “I just had sex in a dressing room”-face. They’ll snitch on you.
You want the store to be sort of busy. That way you won’t have bored employees disturbing you and you won’t upset any other customers.
Entering the dressing room
Now that you’ve found the perfect dressing room and the store is not so busy, you’re finally ready to have sex in a dressing room.
First thing you need to do is split up. If you both walk into the fitting area asking for their most spacious dressing room, they’ll know exactly what you’re up to and ban you from the store.
So one person needs to go in alone and secure a dressing room. Once the dressing room is secured, the other person follows. Before cellphones this was a complicated procedure. You had to have an elaborate signalling system worked out if you were ever going to find your partner in the dressing room. Nowadays all you have to do is send them a text to let them know which dressing room you’re in.
Even though cellphones make finding the right dressing room easy, it’s still a good idea to have a secret knock established so that you can join your partner in the dressing room with ease.
If you’re being followed by a security guard or watched by an employee, just play it cool. Pretend that you’re just there to give your partner feedback on their new clothes. Once they’re not looking, slip into the dressing room.
Finally! The sex!
Now that you have both successfully entered the dressing room, it’s finally time to have sex.
Remember, speed is key. I know you and your partner prefer four hour fuckfests but you can’t spend four hours having sex in a dressing room. You’ll get caught.
Quick and quiet.
I know quick and quiet doesn’t sound like fun sex, but you have to remember that this is way different than sex in a bedroom. If you want to be loud and last a long time, stay in the bedroom. If you want to experience the rush of sex while other people are shopping then keep it quick and quiet.
Try to stay away from the door. One time when I was having sex with Gleb in a dressing room, I had her propped up against the door. She was whispering something Spanish into my ear and I got a little over excited and knocked the door right off the hinges. Needless to say, we were banned from the Gap for life. So stay away from the doors.
Also, avoid the floor having sex on the floor. Who knows how often those things get cleaned? Having worked retail in the past, I can tell you that the floors never get cleaned. Plus, if you’re doing it on the floor, someone will probably see you through the space between the door and the floor.
So floor and door are out. If there’s no bench or stool in the dressing room, you’re going to have to have sex standing up. That’s not so bad is it? There are lots of ways to have sex standing up but I have have sex in a dressing room, I’m a doggystyle-only kind of guy. It’s quick, quiet-ish, and it’s super hot when you and your partner both get to watch the dressing room sex in the mirror.
When you’re done, try not to leave too much of a mess. You don’t want anyone to know you were ever there.
Leave the dressing room separately.
Congratulations! You just had mind-blowing sex in a dressing room and you didn’t get caught!
If you have any other questions or if I forgot to cover something, get at me in the comments.