Sex in space is deadly!
Bad news for all astronauts that read this blog. There is new scientific evidence that sex in space could lead to brain disease, cancer, and other life threatening illnesses.
A study by Professor Anja Geitmann from the University of Montreal looked at the effects of zero gravity on the reproductive process in plants. Because sperm cells in plants are delivered to the egg through a “cylindrical tool”, scientists were able to apply the plant results to the human reproductive process (i.e. fuckin’).
The plants were placed in a spinning centrifuge that simulated both high and low gravity while scientists monitored their reproduction, which occurs quickly in plants. They found that the pollen tubes were smaller in low gravity, and were wider in hyper-gravity. Meanwhile intracellular traffic flow, the way that cells communicate, was badly affected.
Basically, reproduction is a highly coordinated cellular process that is disrupted by different gravities. In other words, sex in space for reproductive purposes could cause serious health problems for humans, which is obviously a huge problem if our species is ever forced to leave Earth and repopulate elsewhere in the universe.
Thankfully, there is no evidence that sex in space purely for pleasure can cause serious illness in humans. Learning to use new technology for sexual pleasure has always been an important part of human evolution. First we invented the telephone, then we invented phone-sex. When the internet first caught on it became flooded with porn and sex chat rooms for cybersex. It would be a colossal failure if humans weren’t able to figure out a way of having sex in space.
While we’ve always assumed that the first thing to do as an astronaut would be to have sex in space, NASA maintains that no such thing has ever happened. NASA doesn’t explicitly forbid sex in space during space missions, but they strictly enforce a code of conduct that demands “professional standards”. Oh NASA…What a bunch of nerds.
Space tourism is getting more feasible as time goes by. Virgin Galactic hopes to start flying the filthy rich on suborbital space trips next year. If you’re interested in joining the 220 mile-high club, please make sure you use protection because you could die. Also, if you have unprotected sex in space who knows what fluids could end up floating around the fuselage.
Just think about the disaster that ensued when Homer tried to eat chips in space…