Welcome back to another edition of Chico’s Sex Advice where I use all my expertise as a sexpert to answer any questions my beloved readers may have about sex.
If you need sex advice or if you have a question about sex that needs answering, feel free to send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org OR use the contact form and I’ll answer as quickly as possible.
Today’s question comes from Jabar:
“Hey Chico, was just wondering if it was possible for man to suck his own dick?”
Oh so you want to suck your own dick eh?
Every man, sooner or later, will always have a moment in his life where he attempts to achieve enlightenment aka suck his own dick.
Being able to suck one’s own dick, while always a hit at parties, is not easy. It requires a lot of flexibility. Because even if you can bend your body in a way so that your mouth can reach the crotch, keep in mind that you’ll have to stay like that for a while, sucking your own dick until you cum or you’ve simply had enough.
So my first piece of advice is to stretch. Stretch all the fucking time. Your legs, your back, your hips and ESPECIALLY YOUR NECK. Stretch everything. Because if you don’t have the flexibility, forget about sucking your own dick. Spend at least a week stretching and getting limber before attempting to suck your own dick, otherwise you’ve got yourself a one-way ticket to Disappointmentsville, population you and your unsucked dick.
Besides flexible, you need to be thin to suck your own dick. If your belly is so big that you can’t even see your junk while naked, then I have bad news for you. You’ll never be able to suck your own dick.
Now, if you feel flexible and thin enough to try to suck your own dick, these are the ways I recommend you try it:
STEP 1. GET HARD
Unless you’re a professional contortionist, there’s no way in hell that you’re going to suck your own dick without an extremely rigid erection. I recommend that you use a cock ring for maximum erection rigidity and so that you can stay hard while you struggle to get your lips to your own dick.
STEP 2. PICK A POSITION
Pick a position. Any position. Well, preferably one that you’ll be most comfortable sucking your own dick in.
Popular auto-fellatio positions include:
– Lying on your back and lifting your heels over your head, bringing your dick within sucking proximity. Lying on hard surfaces often increase the success rate because soft surfaces have too much give.
– While seated, bend at the waist and bring your mouth down to your erection. Congratulations! You’re sucking your own dick!
These might be somewhat strenuous positions to put yourself in, so if you have a really sex positive girlfriend (or perhaps one that refuses to give blowjobs anymore) ask for her help! She can help stabilize your body, guiding either your hips up to your face or your head down to the dick. Whatever works I guess!
If you are able to suck your own dick through my advice, please don’t be shocked when you cum in your own mouth. Just remember all those times you came in a woman’s mouth. Fair is fair. Also, while attempting to suck your own dick, keep a phone nearby in case you injure yourself and need to go to hospital. You can always tell them that you were doing nude yoga and not trying to suck your own dick.
If none of these techniques are not helping you suck your own dick, then I’m sorry but nature has decided that we were not meant to suck your own dick. Luckily, there’s an alternative. You can always go out for a fancy dinner or spend some dough on a thoughtful present and chances are someone will suck your dick for you. Enjoy that dick sucking while you can, because unfortunately, you are not blessed to do that to yourself all the damn time.
Probably for the best. If all men could suck their own dicks, civilization as we know it would end. And of course the civilization as we know is the male-dominated we live in. I’m sure women would step in while we’re all busy sucking our own dicks, run the show, and everything would be fine. Possibly better.
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