We’re such nice, wonderful people here at Sex.com.
Also, you readers are probably mostly wonderful people. I can’t vouch for all of you, but I mostly hope for the best.
So what’s the deal, guys? Why haven’t you graciously accepted the fruits of our un-ending generosity? Why must you spit on our gifts, and tarnish Apple’s legacy with your brazen lack of response?
I posted all of the iPad winners on your favourite blog, Sex.com. Since I posted it on the blog, I know that you winners have seen it, because everyone loves the Sex.com blog and checks it twenty times per day, scrutinizing each post down to the last word.
And, if by some freakish miracle you didn’t see your name on the Sex.com blog, well then, the nice people in this office sent out congratulatory e-mails to all the winners with instructions to claim your prize and have it shipped. We DID ask for a proof of age and identification, so its possible that the remaining three no-show winners are either identity thieves on the run, not of the proper age to be viewing all of the awesome adult content on Sex.com, or they’re robots sent from the future to try and claim scientific artifacts to bring them back into the war-torn post-apocalyptic Wasteland that is Earth 2075, but they forgot their ID chips back in New California.
Either way, three people haven’t claimed their dope-ass prizes. They must be totally nuts. I wish that I didn’t work here so I could win a free iPad, but here I am, talking about free iPads like a sucker. I’ll never have an iPad, and as a result, I am but half a man.
These are the people we’re waiting for. Once again, if you don’t contact us by Friday, you don’t get your iPad. Also, you’re fucking over the other people who did respond because we’re waiting for you guys so we can mail all of these things out. ONCE AGAIN, first name that you used to enter the contest, followed by one of your unique codes:
CLAIM YOUR FUCKING IPADS BY FRIDAY OR I WILL THROW THEM OUT THE WINDOW.