The Sex.com Blog

Heart shaped nipple-pasties are not an appropriate Valentine’s Day Gift

Almost there.

Just two days away from Valentine’s Day.

If you haven’t gotten your sweetheart anything, I have bad news for you…

It’s too late. You’ll never find a good present because everything’s been bought. The only thing you can do now is start thinking of times you didn’t forget Valentine’s Day as a counterpoint for the big fight you’re about to have.

Really though, it doesn’t matter. So you missed Valentine’s Day? There will be one next year! And to make sure you don’t get sent into the doghouse next Valentine’s Day, we’ve got an amazing gift idea for you and your sweetheart.

Oral sex enhancers!

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Do you come with the Valentine’s Day?

Oh no.

We’re less than a week from Valentine’s Day.

The worst part about Valentine’s Day must be seeing couples do romantic things. It’s a painful reminder that you’ve never loved anyone. The only reason that you even see anyone at all is to satisfy your sexual appetite.

But the second worst part is definitely the shopping. Shopping is hard no matter what the occasion is. But this ain’t just any occasion. It’s Valentine’s Day. If your present stinks, you could go without sex for months! Which is totally unfair, by the way.

To save your sex life, we here at Sex.com have taken it upon ourselves to provide the best possible gift suggestion this Valentine’s Day. That’s why we’re back with the fourth installment of Sex.com’s Valentine’s Day Gift Guide.

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With this gift guide, your Valentine’s Day looks so bright you’ll have to go topless

It is now officially Valentine’s Day shopping crunch time.

Football has ended.

Part 1 and Part 2 of Sex.com’s Valentine’s Day Gift Guide have been online for almost a week.

You have no more excuses. You have all the tools to make Valentine’s Day great.

I’m sure a lot of you are single and couldn’t care less about celebrating Valentine’s Day or shopping for Valentine’s Day because the holiday is a reminder that you will be alone forever.

Well, in Part 3 of Sex.com’s Valentine’s Day Gift Guide, we’ve found the perfect gift for all the singles in the world…

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Rosie Huntington-Whitely’s festive thong makes Valentine’s Day worthwhile

Valentine’s Day is coming up.

You’re all like, “What? No it’s not, Valentine’s Day is in February. It’s still January.”

Well, maybe you should open a calendar, Jack. Because it’s pretty much February and once we hit February 1st, St. Valentine and Cupid are going to put a fucking gun to your fucking head and tell you to do something romantic for your sweetheart.

Being held up at gunpoint by a saint and a cherub isn’t such a big deal though. The secret to getting out of this jam is “preparedness”. And what could possibly prepare you better than Sex.com’s Valentine’s Day Gift Guide (part 2)?

In Part 1, we found the perfect gift to encourage couples to have sex and make art. Now let’s see what part 2 has in store for us…

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The great Valentine’s Day tradition of being naked in a limousine

They say that Valentine’s Day is the holiday of love.

But anyone who has tried to go shopping for their special someone on Valentine’s day knows that Valentine’s Day is really a holiday where you walk around the mall developing an ulcer and then you go to dinner empty-handed and your wife hands you divorce papers.

Finding that perfect gift for your wife, girlfriend, mistress, crush, or favorite prostitute is never easy. The same is true for finding that perfect gift for your husband, boyfriend, boy toy, man-crush, or favorite gigolo (no sexism on this blog). Since we made sure you had the perfect Christmas with our Christmas Gift Guide, we knew we would have to bail you out again for Valentine’s Day.

So let’s rip open this big heart shaped box of chocolates that is Sex.com’s Valentine’s Day Gift Guide (part 1) and shovel it down our throats.

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Christmas is only four days away, which means that it’s time to make that one final push to get everyone you know the perfect gift.

But because Christmas is so soon, the only thing you’ll find at the mall is hysteria. People running around, knocking over shelves, fighting each other for the last Turboman doll because they missed their son’s karate class.

There’s no bigger pain in the neck than Christmas shopping, which is why Sex.com has its top Christmas experts searching for the perfect Christmas presents so you don’t get swept up in the hysteria. So let’s see what they have for us today in Sex.com’s Christmas Gift Guide (Part 5).

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Justin Timberlake wasn’t cool until he put his dick in a box

Christmas presents used to be so simple! Let’s run through how easy it used:

1. Cut a hole in the box.

2. Put your junk in that box.

3. Make her open the box.

Then, of course, Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake had to ruin it for all of us regular Joe’s. I know I’ve said it before but it needs to be said again: you can’t trust Hollywood celebrities. They are all bad news.

So now that putting your dick in a box is no longer an option, what are you supposed to do for Christmas presents? Well, you’re in luck because we have been preparing Sex.com’s Christmas Gift Guide for almost thirty minutes to ensure that this Christmas is the best Christmas ever.

Let’s see what Part 4 of Sex.com’s Christmas Gift Guide has in store for us!

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SEXY CHRISTMAS

Christmas. It really is the greatest time of year.

For only a few more days, the government will be lifting its embargo on Egg Nog and you can throw out all those gallons of milk you bought yesterday. You can now live in sweet ecstasy, slurping back a thick cup of Nog. Some people like to put a little rum in it…

…it’s a good way to keep nice and warm .

There is one catch. You have to buy expensive and thoughtful presents while you’re out buying Egg Nog. AND NO, Egg Nog is not an expensive and thoughtful present. It’s cheap and lazy and very delicious.

What is there to buy other than Egg Nog? Don’t worry, we’ve found the perfect gifts this Christmas and we’re proud to share them with you in part three of Sex.com’s Christmas Gift Guide!

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