Mia Khalifa, the Lebanese via Florida pornstar who was recently crowned the most popular pornstar in the world*, revealed last night in an interview with a Miami sports radio told a story about “someone” (99% sure it’s Drake) who has been sliding into her DMs on Instagram with some thirsty, cringeworthy messages. Continue Reading
The more Farrah Abraham tries to get blood (i.e. money) from the stone that was her short-lived and over-reported career as a pornstar (not a celebrity who had a sex tape leaked!), the unless animosity I feel towards her.
At the height of the Farrah Abraham porn video’s height, she was the bane of my existence. Every day, she was appearing somewhere to refute the claims that her “sex tape” was in fact a sex tape and not a regular porn video. To see her blatantly lie only to have people eat it up was infuriating.
But ever since Farrah Abraham released that replica of her asshole, that animosity has been replaced by sadness. We are officially in the Sad Era of Farrah Abraham’s celebrity.
Over the weekend, the Farrah Abraham Saga only got sadder with the release of the new Farrah Abraham blow-up doll because the doll looks like something straight out of your nightmares. If your first thought when seeing the Farrah Abraham blow-up doll is, “I want to stick my dick in there,” …you got problems, dude. Continue Reading
A man named Shaun blew out his back and couldn’t perform his usual sexual duties on account of his injury. Naturally, he obtained a doctor’s note to prove it. Just when you’ve all but lost faith in the health care system, this comes along to remind us that some doctors are cool as hell.
Take a look at this doctor’s note clearing this lucky man from taking charge in the bedroom. Continue Reading
I had my fair share of problems with Fifty Shades of Grey when I read it to see what all the fuss was about.
Without a doubt, the part of the book I liked the least was the inexplicably awful scene where Christian Grey pulls a tampon out of Anastasia Steele’s pussy. It’s just…gross…
REMINDER #1: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
REMINDER #2: Don’t use your wife’s cellphone to send sultry emails to your side-piece.
Hopefully you don’t need to be reminded of these rules. But I tell ya, China’s Fan Lung sure could have used those reminders before his wife chopped off his penis…twice. Continue Reading
If there’s one thing that all pornstars have in common, it’s that they won’t turn down a chance to be spoiled by their fans. And that’s not even limited to pornstars. I would be willing to guess that 99% of humans will accept gifts at random. It would be rude not to accept!
But the problem is, a lot of porn fans are total creeps (myself included). So rather than receive a picture of themselves covered in a fan’s cum as a gift, most pornstars make Amazon wish lists. With an Amazon wish list, when adoring fans want to shower their favorite stars with gifts, the stars in question get something they actually want.
Sometimes I get to perusing the Amazon wish lists of my favorite pornstars, just to see what they want. Most of the time I’m like, “Cool.” But sometimes, the items on the list can’t help but raise my eyebrows.
Here now are 16 weird gifts pornstars want from their fans. Continue Reading
If you have a penis, you’ve no doubt had the urge to stick it into any crevice available in hopes of finding an exciting new way to make your dick barf up a big load of cum.
Based on my experience, not every available hole is a good home for a penis be it flaccid or erect.
To help you better assess whether or not a hole is worth sticking your dick into, we’ve gone ahead and ranked the top things to stick your penis in from worst to best. Continue Reading
Love him or hate him, there’s no denying that Tim Burton is one of the most iconic directors of American cinema.
I’m sure most of you are rolling your eyes at that statement, but it’s true. It doesn’t matter that his movies decline in watchability with every release, what matters is that he’s consistent with creating worlds that are visual feasts for your eyes.
But have you ever wondered what it would be like if Tim Burton directed porn movies instead of cartoonish nightmare movies? Continue Reading
Sex toys have one purpose and one purpose only: make getting off even more fun.
However, sexual satisfaction varies from person to person because we’re all beautiful, unique snowflakes. So sometimes…a sex toy designer will come up with a new sex toy that they’re convinced will help the sex positive adults of the world have a better time cumming, but when it’s unleashed on the world, the reception isn’t as warm as they hoped because it turns out the sex toy they’ve made is actually totally fucking weird.
So far, 2014 has been an excellent year for weird sex toys. And since Black Friday is coming up and the Christmas season is upon us, we thought it would be a good idea to show you the 10 Strangest Sex Toys of the Year, so you know not to stuff your significant other’s stocking with these weird sex toys. Continue Reading
I don’t know how others feel about this, but I’m a firm believer that sex should be fun. Of course, sex is inherently fun it’s the only acceptable time for two (or more) people to rub their genitals together.
But you know what makes sex even more fun? WHEN YOU’RE FUNNY DURING SEX.
That’s why I perform anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour of stand-up comedy when I’m having sex (the amount of stand-up comedy I do depends on how long I last and how many rounds we go). The only problem is that stand-up comedy is extremely hard and an average Joe like yourself cannot hope to ever get up on stage and underwhelm a room full of strangers with your prepared remarks. So instead, we’ll be focusing on sex pranks. You know, mischievous acts or practical jokes done during sex. Sure, it’s low-brow but who cares! They can be funny.
In an effort to make having sex more fun by making it funny, here is our definitive ranking of SEX PRANKS from worst to best. Continue Reading
How many times have you been browsing for free porn and come across a super hot babe with big fake tits that get you rock hard, only to scroll down a little bit further to see that this sexy lady is actually a tranny?
It happens to me all the time. I don’t know why it keeps surprising me because I’m specifically browsing for free tranny porn, but that’s besides the point.
On Monday, redditor poshpink330 posted what LOOKED like a sexy cleavage pic in a skimpy bikini top to r/GoneWild, a popular community where hot amateurs post sexy photos of themselves. “(NSFW) first time poster… Wanna see more? ;-)” she wrote. Continue Reading
When I’m walking around the city, my head is on swivel because there are always babes roaming around town and it brightens my day to bask in the beauty of certain women with a quick glance as we pass each other on the street.
I always try to be respectful and minimize my creepiness by only looking once, but sometimes I can’t help myself from double-taking when I spot a big rack or a particularly pretty face.
The other day, I found myself in the downtown core amongst waves and waves of babes. My head was spinning from left to right so much from scanning all the hotties that I had to take a moment to pause and let the dizziness subside. That’s when I saw her. The most objectively beautiful woman I’d ever seen. She had a face like Irina Shayk, tits like Emma Glover and an ass that could rival Kelsi’ Monroe juicy booty.
There was just one caveat…
She was homeless! Continue Reading
Masturbation! We all do it and there’s no reason to be ashamed of it. To make sure that you’re making the most of your masturbation, we decided to rank all 25 places to masturbate from best to worst. So let’s get straight to it!
25. The beach
SAND IS GOING TO GET EVERYWHERE. AND I MEAN EVERYWHERE!
Boyfriends! Girlfriends! Husbands! Wives! Mothers and daughters? Everyone! Gather round!
If you’re trapped in a sexless relationship, then you need to watch this porn video we just found! It will literally save your sex life!
Some of you might be skeptical that a porn video could possibly save your sex life, but I’m here to tell you that it’s perfectly normal for all kinds of couples to turn to porn videos in order to save their sex lives.
For one, watching porn together is a shared experience. Any time a couple shares an experience with one another, it can only be good for the relationship because you’re both investing in time together. Why not invest in time together by ramping up the eroticism by watching porn videos? Continue Reading
Cumming! It’s something that we all thoroughly enjoy, but even those we love to cum, sometimes we can’t do it. We try and try but for some reason, we can’t seem to cross the finish line.
Of course, not being able to cum is not a big deal when you’re alone. You just put the Kleenex is a safe place, minimize the window on your computer screen with the free porn videos you were trying to fap to and say, “I’ll see you two in the morning.”
But when you’re with a partner, not being able to cum is embarrassing for both parties. They’ll feel either unattractive or sexually inadequate, while you feel awkward because you’ve just learned from trying to fake an orgasm that you’re a terrible actor.
Even though not being able to cum is embarrassing for everyone, you’re in luck. The only thing you need to do to save your partner and yourself from the humiliation of not being able to cum is good communication. Specifically, you need to be able to communicate a great excuse for why you will not be cumming.
To help get you started, all of Sex.com’s resident sexperts came together to create this list of 25 perfectly good excuses for why you’re not going to cum tonight. Ready? OK! Continue Reading
It feels like every three months, Cosmo or some equally shitty publication puts out a list of ways to “Have Sex Like A Pornstar”. Why not? Slapping that on a front page would get me to buy it.
That said, I’ve always been disappointed by the tips these hacks provide for having sex like a pornstar. It’s almost as though they’ve never seen porn before. Do I even dare accuse them of just making shit up so they can sell magazines?
Well, I’ve had enough. I’ve taken matters into my own hands and I’m here to tell you how to really have sex like a pornstar in 7 easy steps. So pay attention!
7 Steps To Having Sex Like A Pornstar
(In the interest of not being accused of click-baiting you, I’ll let you know right now that the woman who had a sex toy stuck inside of her is not the woman pictured above. It’s just a hot picture courtesy of MasturbationFun on Sex.com.)
A 38-year old Scottish woman walked in to a hospital last week only to discover that a sex toy had been lodged in her vagina for the last decade.
Yes. You read that correctly. I’ll repeat it just in case you don’t believe me.
A 38-year old Scottish woman walked in to a hospital last week only to discover that a sex toy had been lodged in her vagina for the last decade. 10 years! She’s had a sex toy stuck in her vagina for the last 10 years!
STV News reports that the woman sought medical attention after contracting sepsis. Sepsis is a potentially fatal condition in which the body fends off infection by releasing chemicals into the bloodstream. While the chemicals the body releases fight the infection, they also trigger inflammation that can cause organ damage and potentially organ failure.
The woman had also been suffering from fatigue, shaking, dramatic weight loss and incontinence. When doctors at the Aberdeen Royal Infirmary were diagnosing the woman, they just so happened to find a five-inch object (sex toy) protruding into the woman’s bladder from her vagina. When asked, “What the fuck?” by the doctors, the woman recalled that she had once used a sex toy during a sexual encounter and never removed it…10 years ago.
Fortunately, the doctors were able to remove the decade-old sex toy surgically and repair the internal damage it did.
So let this be a reminder to anyone that’s lost sex toys recently to check your vagina. It could be lodged against your bladder and it could be up there for 10 years without you knowing. It is remarkable to me that only when she was near-death did she remember what happened to that old sex toy.
Be safe out there guys! Keep track of your sex toys! Don’t let your body hog them![h/t: STV News]
Feeling depressed because it’s Monday morning and life sucks and you’re at work for another long-ass week? Well turn that frown upside down, dummy!
If you’ve watched every episode of the Simpsons (BEFORE SEASON 12, OBVIOUSLY) like I have, then perhaps you will remember this little exchange between Superintendent Chalmers, Principal Skinner, and El Barto himself:
Bart Simpson: Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball state, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Uh, why do you ask?
Welcome back to another edition of Chico’s Sex Advice where I use all my expertise as a sexpert to answer any questions my beloved readers may have about sex.
Today’s question comes from Jabar:
“Hey Chico, was just wondering if it was possible for man to suck his own dick?”
Oh so you want to suck your own dick eh?
Every man, sooner or later, will always have a moment in his life where he attempts to achieve enlightenment aka suck his own dick.
Being able to suck one’s own dick, while always a hit at parties, is not easy. It requires a lot of flexibility. Because even if you can bend your body in a way so that your mouth can reach the crotch, keep in mind that you’ll have to stay like that for a while, sucking your own dick until you cum or you’ve simply had enough.
So my first piece of advice is to stretch. Stretch all the fucking time. Your legs, your back, your hips and ESPECIALLY YOUR NECK. Stretch everything. Because if you don’t have the flexibility, forget about sucking your own dick. Spend at least a week stretching and getting limber before attempting to suck your own dick, otherwise you’ve got yourself a one-way ticket to Disappointmentsville, population you and your unsucked dick.
Besides flexible, you need to be thin to suck your own dick. If your belly is so big that you can’t even see your junk while naked, then I have bad news for you. You’ll never be able to suck your own dick.
Now, if you feel flexible and thin enough to try to suck your own dick, these are the ways I recommend you try it:
STEP 1. GET HARD
Unless you’re a professional contortionist, there’s no way in hell that you’re going to suck your own dick without an extremely rigid erection. I recommend that you use a cock ring for maximum erection rigidity and so that you can stay hard while you struggle to get your lips to your own dick.
STEP 2. PICK A POSITION
Pick a position. Any position. Well, preferably one that you’ll be most comfortable sucking your own dick in.
Popular auto-fellatio positions include:
– Lying on your back and lifting your heels over your head, bringing your dick within sucking proximity. Lying on hard surfaces often increase the success rate because soft surfaces have too much give.
– While seated, bend at the waist and bring your mouth down to your erection. Congratulations! You’re sucking your own dick!
These might be somewhat strenuous positions to put yourself in, so if you have a really sex positive girlfriend (or perhaps one that refuses to give blowjobs anymore) ask for her help! She can help stabilize your body, guiding either your hips up to your face or your head down to the dick. Whatever works I guess!
If you are able to suck your own dick through my advice, please don’t be shocked when you cum in your own mouth. Just remember all those times you came in a woman’s mouth. Fair is fair. Also, while attempting to suck your own dick, keep a phone nearby in case you injure yourself and need to go to hospital. You can always tell them that you were doing nude yoga and not trying to suck your own dick.
If none of these techniques are not helping you suck your own dick, then I’m sorry but nature has decided that we were not meant to suck your own dick. Luckily, there’s an alternative. You can always go out for a fancy dinner or spend some dough on a thoughtful present and chances are someone will suck your dick for you. Enjoy that dick sucking while you can, because unfortunately, you are not blessed to do that to yourself all the damn time.
Probably for the best. If all men could suck their own dicks, civilization as we know it would end. And of course the civilization as we know is the male-dominated we live in. I’m sure women would step in while we’re all busy sucking our own dicks, run the show, and everything would be fine. Possibly better.
I love answering your sex questions! If you have a sex question for me:
Send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org
In this time of texting-based courtship, some men have gotten it into their heads that it’s totally OK to text women all their depraved thoughts as a means of attracting them.
I’m not sure.
Because some of the things these men are texting to women were said in real life, they’d be meet with a quick slap or thrown drink to the face. But since there’s no risk of being slapped or having a drink thrown at them, then what’s the harm of texting them something inappropriate, right?