As the first round of the World Cup comes to a close, it’s come to my attention that this soccer fad has gotten totally out of control. And I’m not talking about the fist fights between bandwagoners and lifelong soccer fans.
Speaking of which, can I just address something really quick before we get back on topic? Lifelong soccer fans, you really need to get off your damn high horse for the rest of the World Cup. When you say, “You didn’t care about soccer a few months ago. Yet you’re an expert at World Cup?” Yes. I am. It’s your own damn fault for following Club Soccer that no one cares about. But it’s summer, which means all the good sports are done until the fall. So what are we supposed to do? Not get drunk during the day while watching sports? Absolutely not.
You’re right lifelong soccer fans, we don’t care about soccer. Our feigned interest in your stupid game is merely a way of getting drunk during the day because international sportsmanship is something worth drinking to. So for the next couple of weeks, stop complaining about the bandwagon and everyone on it. Because once World Cup is over, it will be exactly four years before anyone thinks of soccer again.
Besides that, World Cup is getting out of hand because a new survey has revealed that World Cup is more popular than sex!
But you guys love sex!
A European condom company set out to find out how men rank watching their country’s team against having sex. Needless to say, the results were as shocking as finding out that Europeans use condoms.
Out of 2,000 participants, 40 percent of men admitted that they would turn down sex so that they could watch soccer instead. Other excuses used by men to get out of intimate situations included blaming a bad back, fatigue, and having a headache.
I really can’t believe you guys would choose soccer over sex. Think about all the good times we’ve had talking about sex. You really want to give that up for soccer?
But now I ask, “Why can’t you do both?” Why can’t you and your partner cheer your team on while fucking? Add getting drunk during the day and that’s the most fun you’ll ever have.
So remember guys, when faced with a decision between watching soccer and having sex…choose to do both at the same time.
As always, “FUTBALL” has a lot to learn from American Football: