If there’s one song I love, it’s Amish Paradise by Coolio. I never thought that a mainstream rapper could make a song about being an Amish person believably, but here we are. Coolio is the most gangster Amish person of all time. Check out this video for Amish Paradise, Coolio’s biggest hit and one of the greatest and most influential songs in the pantheon of popular music:
OK, OK. I was just kidding. I know that song is by the greatest man to ever live, Weird Al Yankovic. I was simply trying to capitalize on the insane amount of buzz surrounding his most recent album. Since when is Weird Al Yankovic the most famous and popular musician of all time anyways? But back to Coolio, for real.
TMZ reports that Coolio is putting out a new video, called “Take it to the Hub.” This will be Coolio’s first song since 2009 – even then, nobody knew he was still putting out music. In 2014? Shit’s crazy. Coolio totally looked like he was going to be one of the next big rappers when he put out Gangster’s Paradise in the 90s. It’s an awesome song. But he could never really capitalize on the fame the hit brought him, and he faded out into obscurity pretty quick.
You know dude has fallen off for a couple of reasons:
a) He’s 50.
b) He’s never had a hit since the early 90s, yet has continued to put out music. Nobody can speak to how good his later music is because nobody has ever listened to it.
c) His new video is launching exclusively on Pornhub.
It’s actually not a bad marketing method. Lots of people go to Pornhub. But they go to watch porn, not to watch rap videos. I imagine furiously masturbating to porn videos and then all of a sudden, BAM, 50-year-old Coolio’s greasy mug is all up on my screen and my penis turns into a shrivelled pistachio in like 0.0000005 seconds.
Anyway, here’s a teaser trailer for his new video, brought to you by TMZ:
What do you think about Coolio’s marketing efforts? Could get him a bit of buzz, I suppose, but I don’t see it translating into any form of sustained success. More importantly – why didn’t he approach Sex.com?
Let me leave you with this little bit of advice, direct from Coolio. If ever you’re feeling down about your own prospects or career or life, just remember these lyrics and recite them in your head meditatively. Everything will be all right. Serenity now. And I quote, from Coolio:
As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she’s very plain
But that’s just perfect for an Amish like me
You know, I shun fancy things like electricity
At 4:30 in the morning I’m milkin’ cows
Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows… fool
And I’ve been milkin’ and plowin’ so long that
Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone
I’m a man of the land, I’m into discipline
Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine
Then tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1699