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So That’s Why I Love My Barcalounger and Other Sexual Epiphanies

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Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the web’s original erotic site for women by women. With over 16 years’ experience of writing about and for the adult entertainment industry under her belt, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

Today, Calico comes to the Sex.com Blog to talk about the new show Masters Of Sex and sexual epiphanies had in barcaloungers.

As you’ve probably heard, Showtime recently released a new dramatic series called Masters of Sex, a fictionalized behind the scenes account of the work of sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson, the academicians/lovers who transformed our scientific understanding of sex with the research they undertook at Washington University starting back in the 1950s.

While I was initially disappointed to learn that Masters of Sex was not, in fact, a He Man porn parody, in reading early reviews of the series, it sounds promising – sort of like HBO’s amazing drama series The Wire, only a lot less heroin, the wiretaps are all consensual, and instead of tearing back the veil on the role of corruption, incompetence and personal ambition in law enforcement and the machinery of public policy, it’s focused on why some guys like to jerk off to pictures of inanimate objects, while other guys can only be aroused by pictures of people being flogged by those same inanimate objects. 

What caught my eye this morning was not something taken directly from Masters of Sex, but an item published by TIME that was inspired by the new series. And since every subject has to be adorned with a salacious title and distilled into a ‘top list’ of some kind these days to attract a modern readership evidently comprised entirely of laughably gullible people who also suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder, it’s no surprise that this one was entitled 12 Shocking Sex Facts.

Truth be told, while some of these facts are a bit surprising, not one of them is even remotely shocking – or maybe I’ve just become thoroughly jaded after all this time working in the porn industry, where in order to be shocking, a story about sex has to involve dismemberment, an alien, a Congressman, or (ideally) a dismembered alien Congressman.

Setting the oversimplifications and sensationalized headline aside, though, TIME’s Dirty Dozen does at least offer some educational tidbits, like this one: “Women can get pregnant five to eight days after having sex.”

At first, this fact struck me as extraordinarily creepy; the idea of a man’s sperm staying alive for over a week in my cervical mucus crypt (side note: “Cervical Mucus Crypt” would be an awesome name for a death metal band) sounds like something that would be revealed to Eve in Resident Evil. Sure, you might be endowed with superhuman strength and a truly fabulous indestructible miniskirt, but there’s also zombie death sperm swimming around inside of you, and at any moment, you might start to grow a mutated bull mastiff-sized fetus that threatens to claw its way out and attack your dinner date without notice.

When I thought about it more, though, I started to like the idea, because it feels empowering, you know? Sure, your man might have the cable remote and all the influence that comes with it, but if you’ve had coitus au natural with him sometime in the last 8 days, you have a portion of his masculine legacy literally dying inside of you. Does he ever sit around with any of your eggs crammed up his ass? I didn’t think so.

Then there are the entries on the list answering questions that have long befuddled me, like why it is that once I settle into my favorite chair, it takes a sizeable contingent of armed men, or at least the availability of a bowl of Ben & Jerry’s on the dinner table, to get me to leave that chair. As the sixth entry on TIME’s list explains: “Sitting in chairs can arouse women.

AH-HA! That explains why I get horny watching TV, even if what I’m watching is a British sitcom filled with men who I wouldn’t allow to touch me, unless I was drowning and they happened to be the cockney lifeguards on duty at the time.

But wait, what’s this? Number seven on the same list adds that sitting in chairs can also “dampen” women’s orgasms? And no, they don’t mean dampen in the sense of adding wetness thereto, they mean dampen like reduce, retard or repress.  As TIME explains: “sitting in chairs for most of the day shortens the pelvic floor and psoas muscles—muscles which are essential to a full-body orgasm. When these muscles are tight from sitting too much, women find it harder to achieve a great orgasm.”

WTF? So my favorite chair can get me hot, but then leave me unable to close the deal for real? What bullshit! Well, we now know at least one fact not covered by TIME’s list: chairs are designed by men. I’d always suspected this, especially of the ones with cup-holders built in, but now there is no doubt.

Then there are the items on the list that make sense, but that I sort of wish I did not know, now that I know them. Like #10: “The pulsations a woman feels during sex are actually her uterus trying to gather sperm.”

Really, that’s it? The reason the Earth moves for me during sex is not that I’ve managed to secure that rarest of beasts – i.e. a competent male lover – but because my body so wants to get pregnant (a decision it hasn’t had the decency run by me first, naturally) that it is madly sucking away in the hopes of vacuuming up some sperm…. Sperm that will then take 5-8 days to die inside of me. Lovely.

I still don’t think “shocking” is the adjective I’d have gone with to characterize this list, though. Were it my article to name, I think I’d have run with “A Dozen Libido-Killing Factoids to Make You Want to Chug Booze and Masturbate Incessantly in Lieu of Ever Fucking a Man Again.”

Make sure you visit Sssh.com.

For more Calico Rudasil on Sex.com read:

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I have to wear my glasses when I go to the theater. If you want to reach me directly, email me at chicodustyblog@gmail.com, add me to your circles on Google+ or Tweet at me on Twitter.