If there’s one thing that we love it’s hardcore sex movies. But what kind of a website would we be if we only had one interest? For example, we love sexy mainstream movies, frivolous pursuits, and superlatives. So, we’d like to combine these three interests by presenting the first part of our new feature: The Search for the Sexiest Movie.
And let’s start with a movie long thought by men of my generation to be the sexiest movie of all time, The Girl Next Door. (SPOILERS BELOW)
When The Girl Next Door was released in 2004 it left quite an impression on lots of young men because the movie’s set-up played on two key sexual fantasies of pubescent adolescents:
A) The girl next door archetype who’s good looks, laid-back nature and proximity to your parent’s house highlights her as an ideal person to bang.
B) Having sex with a porn star who’s sexual experience is both intriguing and terrifying.
Danielle (played by Elisha Cuthbert), the titular The Girl Next Door, is both the laid-back, good-looking girl of our dreams and has just left her life as a porn star. She immediately takes a liking to local dweeb and protagonist of the movie, Matt (played by Emile Hirsch). And this is precisely why the movie is not sexy.
Emile Hirsch is such a square in the movie that to watch him pursue Elisha Cuthbert for the majority of the movie is just upsetting. For an example of his nerdiness, all I have to tell you is that his character’s dream at 18 years old is to be President of the United States. Well, not just the President of the United States but the next John F. Kennedy, which is mentioned several times in the movie and just makes me sigh every time.
The movie spends what feels like the first hour developing their relationship. Elisha Cuthbert wears just a bra a lot and is very sexy but besides that there’s nothing redeeming about any of it. There’s just a bunch of crappy music and the only plausible reason for why she’s interested in him at all is because he is so easily manipulated. She gets him to strip, she gets him to skinny dip, she gets him take her out.
So then he finds out she’s a porn star and he freaks out because he’s a big-time loser. Then she’s sad and goes back to porn because that’s all she knows and she doesn’t belong in the suburbs (which I have to agree with, she’s like 21 years old and gorgeous, the suburbs would be a boring nightmare). But he drives to Las Vegas to win her back, which he does by saying, “I really know who you are,” and hands her a drawing. But he doesn’t really know her because they’ve gone out on a picnic like one time.
In spite of the film’s own stupidity, she goes back to Emile Hirsch, which gets him a beating from discount-Billy Bob Thornton. Emile Hirsch loses all the money he was saving for his Asian baby and then him and his nerd friends decide that shooting a porn movie with real high school students at their prom will make them millionaires (and somehow not land them in jail). So they do that and it makes them their money but it turns out that the porn movie they tried to shoot turned out to be a sex-ed video.
I mean, how fucking square can you get? Their porn movie turned out to be a sex-ed video…
And then Emile Hirsch moves to Washington, D.C. with Elisha Cuthbert and they’re very happy or whatever.
The Girl Next Door earned a sexy reputation because of the story’s initial set-up combined two common sexual fantasies. However, beyond that combination, it’s not a sexy movie. Emile Hirsch’s character is just too much of a square for this movie to be considered sexy.
Elisha Cuthbert is a very good looking woman and has moments of sexiness in the movie but that’s simply not enough to save The Girl Next Door from its unlikeable protagonist.
Oh well, maybe we’ll have better luck next time when The Search for the Sexiest Movie returns…