The Secrets to SFW Orgasms by Emja

female orgasm

You already know what it is

Emja is a blogger for

I’ve been following Emja for a while because she’s much funnier than the average sex blogger and I feel like I can only improve my own blog by emulating her style. 

Because I’m such a big fan, I’m thrilled to say that Emja was nice enough to do guest post for us. Enjoy Emja’s “The Secrets to SFW Orgams”:

Guys, I scratched a fresh bug bite yesterday. And it was amazing. I mean, mind-blowingly, holy-shit-yes, top-quality amazing. I will, of course, put my foot down and proclaim — it rivalled the feeling of an orgasm. Do you know this feeling? Are you human? You know this feeling, I don’t even need to ask. You can probably imagine a little itch right now, right above that little bone above your ankle. Your jeans brush against it as you cross your legs. It’s just a faint little tingle, like your hair standing up. Then it starts to get stronger. BANG! IT’S DONE! MUST SCRATCH MUST SCRATCH NOW!!

Scratch, scratch, scratch…

Oh my God, yes. Give me a cigarette it was that good.

My news for you? That feeling does not stop with just a maiden voyage to bug-scratch heaven. And you can mimic the feeling of sexual release with a few other SFW activities. 

Cleaning Your Ears With A Q-Tip

This is another one where it’s so satisfying during the first swipe. You can get a euphoric high from eliminating that sticky gunk of wax crowding your ear canals, but only if you do it once, per side. After that exit from the depths of the unknown, it won’t be the same experience until you give it a break to get excited again.


If you’re around my age, you can remember that moment in Third Rock From The Sun where Sally gets allergies or a cold or something and sneezes for the first time — and has a full-body orgasm. Maybe after three sneezes you want to jam a tire iron up your nostril to shut it up, but that first one, mmmmmm.

 The Wake-Up Stretch

This one came to me when I asked the redditors of the world to help me out with ideas. I read that and almost fell over in nostalgic pleasure. This is an activity that just vibrates throughout your entire body. Your entire body. I do mine in bed still, laying down, and my stretch is accompanied by a truly embarrassing honk of a noise that would provoke murder if ever captured and shared on Vine. Definitely rivals the feeling of my orgasms.

The I-Can’t-Hold-It-Any-Longer Poop or Pee

This one, we can all silently bow our heads in shameless agreement. When you’ve been holding that shit (that wasn’t a pun intended until I re-read it and laughed) in for hours upon hours and you just really are about to ____ your pants right now, the release is rapturous. What can totally ruin this for you? The dreaded occupied stall. Either someone is in the bathroom and you cannot enter, or you go into a stall and some jackass is taking their sweet-ass time figuring out how to fold the tp and you’re so scared the release will bring about a massive fart. Regardless, it’s mind-blowing when it happens, right?

Getting Your Hair Washed at the Salon

Those magic fingers. Do bros even experience this unless they suck up their balls into their body and have their hair did at the salon? I hope so. Full-body massages are great and all, yeah yeah yeah, but those finger nails into your scalp electrifying every follicle and bringing pleasure nerve by nerve. Oh I’m shuddering in rainbow feelings.

I hashed this list out with my friend, who first inspired me with the idea that a bug scratch really and truly is the PG orgasm. Am I missing any?


If you think Emja missed one, let us know in the comments!

Make sure to follow Emja’s blog on

Follow Emja on Twitter: @Emmmmja

Big thanks to Emja for this special guest post!

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Published on: August 27, 2013

Filled Under: Sex & Dating Tips

Views: 1979

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  • Indyscott

    Um.. how about just having a nice quiet real orgasm? Works for me.

  • Chico Dusty

    That’s so crazy it just might work…

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  • oh-shit-its-that-guy

    weird the ear thing works i’ve been doing it since 2 years ago and the stretching (full body) in the morning then i masturbate since I’m at home! doing the ear thing simulates my orgasm so well, in my ear, but you have to do it slow and soft don’t do it to hard resist that urge to scratch to!

  • oh-shit-its-that-guy

    I use a head phone jack!

  • oh-shit-its-that-guy

    the term Frotteurism is the act of “rubbing” sexual organs on people typically where is a large group of ppl to get sexual gratification/pleasure ppl can orgasm from that but I have the ability women have to orgasm on inanimate objects the way women do for a clitoris orgasm but with out any effort