Try as I might, I just can’t get into the World Cup.
Earlier this week, I thought that maybe the reason I can’t will myself to care about the World Cup was because the field is too big. After some serious soul-searching, it became clear why I have no interest in soccer: jealousy.
If there’s one common thing that all professional soccer players have, it’s that they all play soccer it’s that they all seem like they could contend for the title of “WORLD’S BIGGEST DOUCHEBAGS.” Whether it’s flopping around on the pitch or getting paid exorbitant amounts of cash or just having a stupid hair cut, there’s always something despicable about professional soccer players.
Yet, in spite of their inherent douchiness, professional soccer players all happen to be dating or married to some of the hottest women in the world.
Remember that website HotChicksWithDouchebags.com? It’s now defunct but it was a website that collected photos featuring hot chicks posing with some of the most offensively douchey men you’ve ever seen. Soccer is basically HotChicksWithDouchebags.com, but with more at stake.
That said, I thought it would be a good idea to share with you a TOP 10 of THE HOTTEST WORLD CUP WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS.
So get ready to feel extremely jealous and start hating the World Cup!
10. Melissa Satta
Now I’m sure a couple of soccer nerds are already trying to say that Melissa Satta’s soccer playin bo Kevin-Prince Boateng isn’t even in the World Cup, but that’s not the point of this Top 10. The point is…LOOK AT MELISSA SATTA’S CURVES! Isn’t it a shame they’re going to waste on a soccer player?
9. Alena Seredova
It’s truly a shame that Alena Seredova is currently Italian goalkeeper Gianluigi Buffon, but at least she had the decency to pose for Playboy and Penthouse.
8. Elisabeth Reyes
In 2006, Elisabeth Reyes won the Miss Madrid and Miss Spain beauty pageants. As a WAG, she’s dated Sergio Ramos and is currently banging Alexis Ruano. Damn shame.
7. Abigail Clancy
Despite being a popular TV personality and lingerie model in her home country, Abigail Clancy wastes her talents on English forward Peter Crouch. WHY?
6. Federica Nagri
Born in Rome, Federica Nagri is a model, actress and television personality. The 2007 Miss Cotonella and Miss Rome winner is, perhaps, best known in Italy for her role on the news-variety show Strip the News, a show that I hope is just her doing a striptease while reading the news. Since 2009, Nagri has been in a relationship with Italian striker Alessandro Matri. TERRIBLE.
5. Federica Ridolfi
Though Federica Ridolfi is married to retired soccer player Giuliano Giannichedda, it still sucks knowing an Italian babe this hot is with a soccer player.
Yes it’s true. Shakira is taken by Gerard Piqué. Those hips do lie…(sorry). When is she going to come to her senses and start dating Rihanna like we’ve always wanted?
3. Sarah Brander
Sigh…we’re never going to get to date German supermodels like Sarah Brandner as long as soccer players like Bastian Schweinsteiger, her boyfriend, are still around.
2. Gabriella Lenzi
Neymar might as well be God in Brazil. But c’mon dude, do you really need to date Gabriella Lenzi on top of being a national hero? Let us non-douchebags have a chance.
1. Irina Shayk
Cristiano Ronaldo looks like the Ken Doll counterpart to Russia’s real life Barbie. Why do you even bother with him Irina Shayk?
Alright, this Top 10 list has sent me into a jealous rage. Gotta wrap this up before I resort to playing soccer to attract babes this hot.