On Monday, Farrah Abraham proved to the world that she wasn’t just a terrible porn star, she’s also a terrible singer. Farrah Abraham’s new single “Blowin” is simply one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard. Then again, I wasn’t drunk or high on ecstasy when I first heard it so I’m not the song’s target demographic because the only way you could possibly enjoy this song is either being very drunk or high on ecstasy.
So yeah, Farrah Abraham’s debut single is terrible. But at least she’s not alone! Lots of former pornstars have tried to break into the music industry after doing porn because…I guess they felt that the adult industry wasn’t as exploitive as they hoped so they decided to try music instead?
Anyways, Farrah Abraham’s terrible song has inspired me to take a trip down memory lane and listen to the Top 10 Songs by Pornstars (from worst to best).
10. “We Are The Party” by Little Lupe Fuentes and The Ex Girlfriends
Maybe you like this song, but for me it’s the worst pornstar song of all time simply because when it came out it was promoted through pop-ups. Whenever I hear those mixed-down vocals saying “We are the party-party” I feel the need to close all my windows as quickly as possible. WORST.
9. “Talking To You” by Shelley Lubben
If you managed to listen to the entire song, you probably noticed that Shelley Lubben’s “Talking To You” is a diss track aimed at the entire adult industry. That’s not why this is one of the worst pornstar songs of all time. Shelley makes the list simply for having no sense of flow. When you hear a middle aged white woman rap, you realize how difficult rap music is. WORST.
8. “Larry Park” by Sasha Grey and aTelecine
aTelecine is described as “experimental death dub orgasm kind of projekt…”. Riiiiight…
Sasha Grey is one of the best pornstars ever but her music career has to be one of the WORST because this barely qualifies as a song.
7. “Last Drag” by Traci Lords
This song is just plain boring. Call me crazy but calling something “boring” is the single most offensive thing anyone can do. WORST.
6. “Hollywood Douchebag” by Bree Olson
What describes Bree Olson’s musical ability better? Tone deaf or flow-less? Again, rapping is hard.
Apparently this song is supposed to be a parody? That doesn’t excuse it for being the WORST.
5. “Girlfriend Mixes” by Jessie Andrews
Sticklers will probably argue that Jessie Andrews’s deep house disco remixes don’t count as original songs. But you know what? I don’t care.
She’s prolific, they’re fun to listen to, and her original music is dope. Jessie Andrews is just a good DJ, that’s why she’s our first BEST on the list.
If you haven’t already seen it, you have to check out Jessie Andrews’s sexy new music video.
4. “Freak of the Week” by Ron Jeremy
Catchy, fun, and very little Ron Jeremy rapping. Thanks to these three things, Ron Jeremy’s “Freak of the Week” qualifies as one of the BEST.
3. “So Serious” by Heather Hunter
Heather Hunter can rap y’all. What else you need? After listening to the other girls try and rap, this is a breath of fresh air. Therefore, it has to be one of the BEST.
2. “Benihana” by Marilyn Chambers
It’s poppy, funky, and just genuinely a good song. Even if I wasn’t feeling the song, Marilyn Chambers making sex noises over the track would certainly sway me. Plus it’s about my favorite restaurant chain of all time. BEST.
1. “More, More, More” by Andrea True
Pornstar turned disco superstar? Yes!
In 1976, True was already established in the world of porn. She’d flown to Jamaica to appear in real-estate commercials; during her stay, the island became engulfed in an attempted coup. Unable to legally return to the U.S. with her acting wages, True dialed up songwriter Gregg Diamond to whip up something equally profitable. The song would climb to #2 on the charts, making it the most successful therefore BEST pornstar song of all time.
Plus, it would later be sampled by Len for their one hit, “Steal My Sunshine“.
So there you have it! The Top 10 Songs by Pornstars. If we missed a good one, or an even worse one, please let us know in the comments!