Valentine’s Day is coming up.
You’re all like, “What? No it’s not, Valentine’s Day is in February. It’s still January.”
Well, maybe you should open a calendar, Jack. Because it’s pretty much February and once we hit February 1st, St. Valentine and Cupid are going to put a fucking gun to your fucking head and tell you to do something romantic for your sweetheart.
Being held up at gunpoint by a saint and a cherub isn’t such a big deal though. The secret to getting out of this jam is “preparedness”. And what could possibly prepare you better than Sex.com’s Valentine’s Day Gift Guide (part 2)?
In Part 1, we found the perfect gift to encourage couples to have sex and make art. Now let’s see what part 2 has in store for us…
What is synonymous with Valentine’s Day?
Hearts, bows, arrows, red clothing, shitty cards, roses, $100 dinners that don’t even get you a little tug before bed, and hiring an escort (not for sex but to have someone in the room while you cry). But even more synonymous with Valentine’s Day than any of those things is chocolate. If you’re going to celebrate Valentine’s Day, you need to have something chocolatey.
But chocolate is risky. It’s a staple of Valentine’s Day, however it could be interpreted as a thoughtless gift. That’s why you need to do something special with chocolate.
It’s never a bad idea to cover your body in chocolate for Valentine’s Day. It is a bad idea to melt the chocolate yourself because you will get burned. It’s also a bad idea to squeeze chocolate syrup all over your body because that will leave brown stains all over your skin, which isn’t sexy.
Body-chocolate is fun and delicious, however it isn’t very original.
If you really want a chocolatey surprise for your Valentine this Valentine’s Day, then the best thing for you to do is have your face printed in chocolate.
How is this possible?
Well, it’s simple. All you have to do is get yourself to FabCafe in Shibuya, Japan. Once there, for 6,000 yen they will scan your head, make a 3D model of it, and print a silicon mold of your face. After the mold is made, they fill it with chocolate and then you have a little chocolate portrait!
FabCafe’s personalized chocolate-portrait makes for a perfect Valentine’s Day gift because it’s both personal and chocolatey. For the first time in Valentine’s Day history, we have a chocolate gift that is personal. Only the Japanese could have thought of something so innovative.
The personalized chocolate-portrait isn’t just for happy couples either! It’s also a perfect gift for people stuck in a loveless relationship.
As you can see from the photo above, when you’re face is “choco-fied” it becomes unusually grotesque. This is most likely how your wife/husband or girlfriend/boyfriend sees you (if you are in a loveless relationship). Not only do they get to see you disfigured, they also get the sweet satisfaction of eating your face (something they’ve wanted to do for years). This outlet of aggression could just rekindle the spark. Who knows? At least you get a trip to Japan out of it!
That’s it for now! Come back soon for more Valentine’s Day gift ideas in Part 3 of Sex.com’s Valentine’s Day Gift Guide.